I have an idea.

I want to get some children's books on where babies come from and about sex and put them on peanut's bookshelf. Now I know she is too young to read, but she can look at the pictures. The idea is to make sex and where babies come from always common knowledge to her, so that there is never this great awakening moment. Make it normal. Of course I want to get books about how different parts of the body work, so that the sex ones don't stand out. Also, want to leave notes in the books, about things about her being in my tummy, insights and notes saying that she can talk to me about this. At the end of the book, I want to leave a message saying, God's plan is for sex to remain in marriage, however, I want to leave a not that says if she ever finds herself in an unplanned pregnancies to come to us and we will help her take care of her child. I want her to know from day one families stay together and that we will help her with her child.

I am the mother

You know I really don't think the people in my husband's family respect my parenting decisions. I really don't. They make fun of the fact that a I refuse to lie to the peanut and tell her Santa is real.

They question what I feed her. I mean really I prepare 99 percent of her meals. I know what she can and can't eat.

They tell me what I can and can't feed her.

One of them even took somethign that I gave her and broke it up even though I know she could eat what I gave her.

I have heard them sigh when I give her stuff. You know what it makes me mad. There seems to be all these eyes watching everything I do. It makes me want to start picking out what I think they do wrong.

One family member question me for wanting to have some time off of my daughter so that I could get some work done.
Really, just because I 'm the mom I have to do everything and my husband doesn't have to anything. YOu know I love them, but sometimes they really make me mad.

I am the mother. GOt that people

Ain't nothing like watching Hotel Rwanda to make you hate your white American Priviledged self. I must have think God a thousand times for letting me be an american.

Who is a mother

Post for today.
On the agent front no news.

On the mommy front, Michelle has learned to clap. It's quite cute to watch.

On the blog front.
Well I've been thinking about something. What makes someone a mother. There seems to be a war with people fighting for the title. On personal note, I have a hard time referring to the woman who birthed me as mother because she never protected me. TO me if you allow your child to be abused, your not a mother. Others will disagree with me. I know, but that is how I feel. I consider my husband's mom, mom. SHe has done a lot to help me be the young woman I am today.
The thing that has been thinking (and I might be wrong) is the Bible never considers a woman the mother of a child if she didn't birth that child.
FOr example,
Hagar not Sarah is Ishmael's mom. Rachel's and Lea's concubines are the mother of the children they bore and pharaohs' daughter was always just pharaohs' daughter, never mose's mother. I know you would say different place, different time, but the concubines were surrogates.
We are also suppose to Honor our parents. But what does that mean. The Bible never says if your parents are abusive you get to find new parents and only honor them.
There is no story that I know of (and I have read the whole Bible) of an abused child getting new parents. So i'm wondering if your parents suck or you just stuck. Whereas you might get new caretakers, but you don't get to claim someone else as mom and dad.

But you know it doesn't say you don't get new parents. So I guess that is a positive. This is hard for me because of the WHOLE honor you mother and father commandment. I DON'T TO HONOR THEM. I WANT TO FORGET THEY EVEN EXIST.

Man I want new parents.

I know there are some people who read this blog that are parents of children they didn't birth, so if you have some insight. Please speak up. I want to hear it BADLY>

P.S. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist.

pregnancy and vulnerability.

News on my front,

I haven’t heard from the agent. Perhaps, he is sipping a glass of wine while enjoying my main characters first kiss. Perhaps, he’s already tossed it into the recycling bin and has forgotten to tell me of his rejection.

On the mommy front. Peanut is losing her hair again. She’s starting to look like Bill Murray.

You know I've been thinking about how vulnerable women are when they are pregnant. I read this young mom's blog today. She made this list of things she thought while she was pregnant. Her pregnancy was not at the best time. Before and after I was pregnant I thought some of the same things she did. I hope she doesn't mind, but I want to talk about some of the things she wrote.
First off she wrote:
"I might shake Moonbeam to death if I kept her."

I still struggling with the thought of accidentally abusing my daughter. In fact my biggest fear is i'm going to sexually abuse her. Have I , no. I have thought about the fact that I need to separate myself from her, so I don't.

Next she wrote
"My husband might end up abusing Moonbeam if I kept her."

At one point, I thought I needed to runaway with Michelle, so my husband could not abuse her. My husband is not abusive. He is a very kind and loving man.

She also lists some other things that I won't go into detail. I asked her where these thoughts came from, her answer was they were influenced by her cultural upbringing. I won't say how these thoughts affected her because I don't want to accidentally misrepresent her but you can read her story here http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/2007/12/17/once-upon-a-time/#comment-18797

I guess my point is women are just vulnerable while pregnant especially if that pregnancy is not at the best time. Personally I'm shocked at how we treat women who are pregnant in unplanned pregnancies. I have looked at some adoption websites because I have read some major complaints about them. Some of the things that say are downright manipulative.
So really, if anyone out there is reading my blog Google them. FInd out some of the things they say. Look at them from the perspective of being a vulnerable pregnant woman. Ask yourself, what would you do if you were in such a situation. I know I would have bought every line and that scares me.
Women in unplanned pregnancies need resources. They need support. They need the unconditional, non-judgmental love God commanded us to give people. They don't need to hear about the plight of other people.

YOu know I really want to help women in unplanned pregnancies. I've been praying about it. Asking God if it is his will, to show me how I can help someone. I know if it is his will he will guide me. So if you believe in God, say a little prayer for me.

disposables never looked this cute

bad mommy

Yeap tha's a pickle she is sucking on and yeap I gave it to her. So go a head and nominate me as the worse mommy of the year. But you know what she likes the silly thing and she looks so cute

agent report 1 and other things

You know it's been in the back of my mine, but I'm wondering what is going to happened with this whole agent thing. He's had it for about three months now. That's typical wait time. I wonder if he has looked at it or what. I won't let myself think about it much. Because really hardly ever do agents sign an author and hardly ever does a writer get published without one. So to say the least, the fact that he is reading it is an accomplishment in itself. But I can't help but wonder. I just want to know. Questions keep slipping in and out of my mine. First off what if it didn't make it to him? And so he figured I just didn't bother to send it.
What if the corrections, I made in it, didn't save?
So many questions.

Next random thought. I'm glad I was able to get pregnant fast. Basically I'm glad there were no complications. I can't imagined the pain of not being able to have a child. I remember thinking before I got pregnant that I would rather give birth to a child then get published. I even prayed it. Well I gave birth and now an agent is reading my novel.

My cousin is having fertility problems. I'm not saying this caused it, but she led a very wild life before settling down. Now that she is starting to get her life in order she is faced with this. The doctors gave her about a 15 percent chance of being able to have a child without medical intervention. She only has one tube and it is blocked. FOr some reason they put her on clomid, (If I'm right it's an ovulatory drug). That has me concerned because my understanding is she just has blocked tubes and no ovulation problems. So why did they put her on that?
Part of me hopes she can have a child. Part of me doesn't thinks she would be a good mother. But that is my prejudice and it is wrong. She could have a child and be the best mommy. At Thanksgiving this year, I didn't really talk much about motherhood and whatever around her. But people kept saying well when you have your own kids blah blah blah to her. I wanted to well not be very nice. I couldn't believe they would say something like that. SHe might not have kids. It must have been hard to see her father playing with Michelle and wondering if she would ever see him playing with her own kids. It's just sad.

What I have been up to

Michelle is ten months. She weighs around 16 pounds, she's trying to walk and repeats things, I say. I'm trying to figure out what in the world happened. It's like I closed my eyes and opened them to find her crawling. Man. That went fast. She used to be 4 pounds. I haven't really been keeping up with the blog much because I've been busy and well I don't know how much people read this. I thought I would talk about some of my parenting techniques.
First, I do not let Michelle cry things out loud. Nope. I read this excellent post on cry it out loud. http://ennorath.typepad.com/arwens_blog/2007/11/cry-it-not.html. This mama hit it on the nail. And that is basically why I do not let her cry it out loud.
I parent cheaply as possible. For example, I cloth diaper. Not for the environment sake, but because I can save a whole lot of money. I mainly use one-size fits all bumgenius. But I already see the money saving. I can use these until she is three and then turn around and use them for the next child.
Next, I try to stay away from electronic noise makers. I really don't like them. They are so annoying. Plus, they don't really work. She loses interest in about five seconds. I'm trying to find creative toys, but that's hard when your child isn't' even one.
I read to her every night. We mainly read from A Precious Moment Book. I want her to get saved. Yea, too young, but you know we really don't know how much they understand at such early ages, so I'm not taking any chances.
Oh and here is the big one with my family. I'm not teaching her the Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy or Easter bunny are real. I know you guys wants to scream scrooge. The main reason is because to me it's a lie. It's a fun lie, but it's still a lie. Now I have nothing against other parents and their parenting techniques in regards to this, but I decided that I wanted to be as truthful as possibles with Michelle. Which means eliminating all the fun lies.
That is really my parenting. MIchelle is doing find so, I guess I must be doing something right.

In other news, an Agent is reading my novel and considering me for representation. Yeap that's right. A real life bona finda agent. So maybe I'll be a famous Author someday. Perhaps, but I don't know. I don't think I'm ready. I want to be published because I want to be an author, but I write Christian novels. shouldn't I want to be published, so that I can share Jesus with people. Oh well, it's all in God's hands.
And by the way, I've been thinking of something.

So if you can answer this question go ahead. name any non-profit agency that you can think of that charges money for their services. Just list it. Something just doesnt' seem right if you have to pay to use a service from a non-profit.

I can have more babies

I had my regular pap smear today. I asked my doctor if I could have more children since the last one didn't end very well. And well, he said I could, but I would just be at a higher risk for getting it again. I'm happy about that, but I guess the thing is do I want to. Do I really want to have more children. DOn't get me wrong, I would love to have more children the thing is I'm scarred. I'm scarred because it can kill you and I don't know if I want to take that risk or risk having to have another c-section. I love my baby and I really want to watch her grow up. But preclampsia can kill you and it can kill the baby. I guess i just need to pray about it. THis is just so hard.

I know I haven't written in a while. I don't even know if anyone is reading this. But I just wnated to say I think I have been researching others people's pain and misery instead of just dealing with my own. SO I think for the sake of my little girl I need to start doing that. Well, lets see what happens.

I'm confused

Today's thoughts on my motherhood. I've been reading a lot about what people go through and will pay to become parents and a thought keeps creeping into my head. The thought has kind of got me wondering what it means about me. "Children aren't worth what you are putting yourself through, they are just going grow up and be gone by 18" Then I go what. Why am I thinking this? What does this say about my love towards my daughter." Lately I'm becoming apathetic towards being a mother. I just don't feel all that warm and fuzzy over it. My daughter smiles at me and cries for me to hold her and I don't care. I just go oh well and feign that I'm happy for her sake. I used to love taking a bath with her, now I don't know why I keep taking baths with her. I don't care to hold her. I don't know what all this means. I used want to do nothing but cuddle with her. AM I just getting used to motherhood or is there something else going on. I'm sure I love her. I'm sure If i lost her I would be devastated. I'm tired, I'm getting tired of being at home and having no work to keep me going. I used to just want to stay at home with her. Now I want something to do. If my dream job would fall into my lap I would be happy. I'm getting impatient with God and scared on how I'm going to provide for this little being I brought into the world.
I often wonder if I'll change my mind when I decide I want to have another baby. I want to have another pregnancy so I can have a vaginal birth, but I don't think i want another baby. I'm starting to think I'm not meant to have another baby. It's probably not wise anyway. I really should ask my doctor. I wonder if I get hit with the baby bug again, would I think doing all this medical stuff is worth it. I'm probably taking for granted what came too natural for me. I got pregnant the first time I tried. Thus that is how little girl came into the world.

prayer request

if you are the praying type please prayer for a christian mother who is going through a rough time. SHe is five months pregnant and has found out that her baby's intestines are on the outside of his body and is growing into the umbilical cord. The doctor's have told her the child will not live. Her prayer request is that if the child is going to die, that God will take him quickly so she doesn't have to face the issue of an abortion. Please also prayer that God will heal her family's pain and help her to make the right decision.

frozen babies and other random thoughts

So I have moved on from adoption and now I'm researching reproductive technology and surrogacy. Why, I don't know. I just research stuff. But anyway it's got me thinking. Is it ethical to freeze these embryos. See, I believe that life begins as soon as egg meets sperm. When people freeze embryos aren't they freezing little people. That just seems wrong to me. What also seems wrong is that the embryos not used are trashed. I guess we really won't know until we look the maker in the eye, but I can just imagine what he is going to say about this. I guess some ways it's good there is embryo adoption so some of these little people can have a chance, but then again, we shouldn't be creating a product for a demand. What I mean is we shouldn't' make sure that there are embryos for people to adopt. I guess in this country if we can sell it, we will.

Something else that I have been thinking about is that fifty percent of all pregnancies end before the woman knows she is pregnant. I wonder if that means someday in Heaven I'll get to meet all these children that I never knew about. I kind of like the idea even though it's a sad thought.

Next random thought. I live in North Carolina. Yay. Today the law makers are voting on whether or not adoptee's birth certificates should be available to adoptees. I have been praying that God will softened the lawmakers hearts and let them vote yes. But I doubt it. This is North Carolina. Our state plant produces cancer. Not knocking people who make are sell tobacco just stating the facts. North Carolina can get very stuck in tradition. So in my opinion it will take a divine interference for the records to be opened. You know this is really a freedom of the press issue. Ya'll are probably raising your eyebrows. i used to be a reporter. I wasn't good at it, but I was one. Birth certificates are public record. Plain and simple. I can get a copy of anybodies birth certificate. What else is public record. Marriage certificates, death certificates and police reports. Despite popular belief a rape victim's name is public record. If I wanted to I could push the issue and find out the name of someone who has been raped. Luckily, the media as the good sense to not publish a victim's name. Why is all this public record, so that us the people can keep and eye on the government. Therefore, don't you think all adoption records should be public that way we can keep an eye on the people who are making decisions for children. Now, I understand there probably should be some info that should be kept secret. Such as medical info about the child and parent. That information should only be given to the interested party. And I can see how a woman placing a child, wouldn't want her name published and hopefully the media would understand that, but open records is a way to ensure over site of the government and other agencies. Anyway I would be interested to hear what others think.

Got an email from my mother. She will usually just email once every other month. She'll only write about two sentence.s It usually takes me awhile to respond to her. Every time I see an email from her, I get all tense and there is this awful feeling in my stomach. I just wish that she would disappear. I love her. I really do, but she lives in the land of make believe. I guess it's better that way. She doesn't have to face all the pain. I lived in make believe land until I was 19 until a priest basically destroyed my illusion.

Peanut is sleeping right now. Last night, I was lying in bed and for a moment it hit me that in the other room there was this little being that came from my body. And all I could think of was her precious face. However, that was a temporary realization. i wonder when it's really going to hit me that I'm a mother.

I'm glad that I have this desire to research stuff. I've learned so much. I would have never learned what I did about adoption if I hadn't.

eight hours of sleep

I'm so happy and have so much energy. I haven't felt this awake in a while. Why, little peanut slept from 121 a.m. to 8 a.m.. What she slept around hours, which mean mommy got to have a full night of sleep. Heres praying that is will continue. .

I truly believe that there is some hormonal chemical in women that goes off that makes them want to be mothers badly. My went off a year a go. So I got pregnant (planned) when I really wasn’t financially able to. I’m paying for it now because I’m going into debt. Do I care, well I care about the financial aspect, but I won’t go back in time in change. Why, because I absolutely am in love with being a mother. I just got done cuddling with my little girl. That is one amazing feeling. Cuddling with my child so is taking a bath with her. I just love it.

I guess that is why people do things to have children. For example, go through evasive procedures, take horrible drugs to become mothers. It’s that hormone that goes off. My poor sister in laws hormone must have just gone off because she really wants to have a baby now and is going crazy because well hubby isn’t ready (and he really isn’t ready) to have a baby.

Any way that is my two cents for right now.

today's random thoughts

I’m not having a good day today. I just feel sad and can’t wait for the next post partum depression group meeting. I need it. I need more therapy. Right now , I don’t want to be a mother. I love my child Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t want to hold her, love her or relish the fact she’s mine. Yesterday I did, but today I don’t. I’m getting worried, I need stable employment. I need a job. I’m starting to get scared about providing for my child. I’m applying for positions but I’m getting no answers. About two years ago, I was out of work for half a year and I crashed. I crashed hard. I had a mental and spiritual breakdown. I spent four days on the LOOP. AKA, Pitt County Memorial Hospital Mental Ward. I got out went to about two therapy sessions and stopped going. I’m going to try my best not to crash this time. I start to go crazy when I don’t have work or anything to do. Yes, I have a peanut to take care of, but all she does and all she wants to do is eat and sleep on my lap. Sorry, but let’s get real that isn’t much of an intellectual stimulation. And I need that. Thus I need work. The only job I have ever loved was working at the Martin Community College teaching development English students. I just loved it and I was good at. I got my students to achieve beyond what was expected of them. Throughout the semester, they complained, they hated me, they said I couldn’t teach them, but they loved me when they passed the state required test with flying colors, something only one of them was expected to do and I got all but one to pass. Praise the Lord for giving me wisdom to teach them. I would love to go back to that but the state doesn’t put much emphases in teaching the educationally and economically disadvanted, so there doesn’t seem to be a position for me anymore. Most of my students were poor black single mothers, trying to make themselves better. To all of those who think you must give up your child to further your education, I wish you could meet my students. They are living proof you can. They don’t have it easy, but they are doing it. One thing I did to help them was look the other way when they brought children to class. As long as the child didn’t disturb the class I didn’t care. It’s against policy, but what do I tell them go home, and not better yourself.

I probably should have waited to have peanut since I didn’t have a full time job, only parttime. Thus, lost everything when I got pre clamispa and had to leave work. But I got hit with baby lust and had to have a baby, so I did. I got pregnant the first time we tried.

My blogs really have no focus. This is about to get really sad, so if you can’t handle it you might want to stop right now.

I was thinking today about how my mother must live in her own little imaginary everything is perfect world.
When I was a senior in college, my mother asked me why I broke contact with the family. I wouldn’t tell her, but she said your father did not abuse you.

Today, I remember how my father used to get my brother and me to play strip poker with him. She knew about this. What kind of mother allows this? And she wonders why I barley speak to her. Thus, why I don’t want her meeting my little girl. She insists she is married to a wonderful man and that I’m lying. What don’t you remember strip poker mama? I do and I want to know why you never did anything about. I want to know why my elementary school teacher never did anything when my friend told her how my father always talked about her breast. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. I NEVER FREAKING HAD A CHANCE. I’M TRYING TO BE THE GOOD CHRISTINA GIRL. I’M TRYING NOT TO WISH VENGENCE ON THAT MAN, BUT I WISH SOME ONE WOULD CASTRATE HIM, AND THEN BURNED HIM TO DEATH. HE MAKES ME GLAD THERE IS A HELL.

Ok, now I’m going to try and calm down, especially since my little girl has started crying. She was sitting on my lap and maybe she felt my tenseness.

I got my state refund check today and well I think I’m going to need to spend some of it. I think two good books and diner at one of my favorite restaurants is in order.

Peace ya’ll and pray for the little girls every where that no one cares enough to protect.

waiting longer

One thing about parenting a preemie, is you always have to wait longer for those mile stones. For example, my daughter will be eleven weeks tomorrow. Usually around six weeks babies started to smile. I had to wait until she was nine. (rubbing belly gets lots of smiles) Usually around two months they start to roll around. We aren't even close to that. So i guess it will be longer before she crawls. Longer before walks and talks. However, I also got to hold her sooner. Kiss her cheeks sooner. But now I wonder. She is a late term preemie. Born at 34 weeks and five days. Meaning she might have some cognitive learning delays. I hope not. I don't know if I will be able to adequately help her. I pray that I can. I saw a video today that was so sad. I won't go into it, but it made me so glad that I have my daughter. I love her so much. But I might not have. If I had no prenatal care, I more and Likely would have lost her and myself. If the doctors had not been so brilliant I would have definitely lost her.
I guess If I could have one wish, I would wish for scientist to figure out how to make artificial wombs. I know this sounds crazy, but so many babies are born way to early. What if we could just put them somewhere else to fully grow? That way mothers who go into premature labor or have a health concerned, wouldn't risk losing their little ones or even their life. Little baby could just go somewhere else and further growing. Its a wish, maybe a silly wish, but it's a wish important to me because I could have lost so much. Praise God, it didn't happen. Praise God that he was in control of things. Last week it really hit me how in control of things God was, because things could have gone the other way.
IF you have a second check out stories on preclampsia at http://www.preeclampsia.org/ourstories.asp

Who is that

my little peanut

should I have more?

Right now, I’m in poor me mode. I want to do nothing but listen to sad music, eat yummy stuff and say poor me.
I’ve been reading other stories about pre-clampsia. Wow, pre-clampsia really sucks. It’s sad to hear that doctors really don’t know anything about it. They seem to be guessing a lot , and some seem to have no clue.
I’m very lucky. I had awesome doctors, who kept a close eye on me and never let get me to far with pre-clampsia. As soon as they saw it rapidly progressing, out came baby. They then kept an eye on me to make sure that everything was returning to normal. I praise God for my doctors.
There is a line out in pre-clampsia world that says you are unlikely to get it again. Yea, then how come so many women in these stories I’m reading, keep getting it. Which leads me to a question: Should I risk it again? I was very lucky this time. But what if I’m not again? Is it fair to my little peanut and yet unborn child to go through it? Women can die from this. If I died, little peanut would have no mommy. And she loves her mommy. Also, pre-clampsia, makes you likely to have an preemie. WE all know the earlier born the more complications. Is it right to take that risk with another little human being. We were so lucky that Michelle came out with few problems. I guess I need to pray about it. I want Michelle to have siblings. But I don’t know.

pre-clampsia sucks

Pre-clampsia sucks,

If you don’t know what pre-clampsia is well, just know it sucks. If you have a mild form of pre-clampsia, your get to go on bed rest. If you have a severe or progressing pre-clampsia then you kidney enzymes and palettes get all messed up. The sad part is pre-clampsia can go from mild to severe in a matter of hours. That’s when they decide to cut your baby from you. However, the most horrible part of pre-clampsia is it can kill you and the precious little being growing inside of you.

C-sections suck. I’m glad they exist because they saved my little girl’s life. But it still sucks. You hurt forever. For almost two weeks you have to walk like a hunch back.

But motherhood doesn’t suck. Which makes the above two worth it. I’m so glad I’m little peanut’s mother. She is so precious. There is nothing better then cuddling with my little squirmy baby and kissing her little cheeks. I’m really looking forward to watching her grow up into a nice young lady. I hope I don’t mess her up. I already think she has a temper like her father and me. Man nature, why couldn’t you have let that one go. The best thing is my little peanut loves me. She loves to be held. She loves to cuddle. When she was first born, she didn’t seem to care, but now she does. Now she will cry and not be silent until I pick her up. Peanut you are the best little girl.

computer has cracked. Lost important stuff. Man, I don't want to be a mother today

Will Write for Formula

gushing wound

So I have joined a post partum support group. The group is awesome. There are some very loving moms there who have deeper problems then I do. Problems like post partum psychosis. During my first meeting, they let me vent and boy did I vent. But they were able to help me gain some perspective on my situation and situations of others. However, it has got me thinking. For some reason, I can’t help but think that I’m treating my gushing wound with a band aid. See, I have had depression since the birth of my daughter, but I had it before. I’m convinced that my real problem is that I’m suffering from post traumatic stress from being abused for 19 years, a problem that I really don’t want to work on. I have been in therapy for it. I went for a year, but then found an excuse to stop when I moved. I don’t like going to therapy for it. I would rather stay emotionally dumb. I think it’s safer that way; however, I do wonder what will be the consequences to my daughter. Before I was pregnant, I prayed for a boy. Why a boy? In my mind a boy is less likely to be preyed on by a sexual predator. Less, likely to be hurt by the person that haunted my childhood. But God didn’t bless me with a boy. He blessed me with a wonderful girl. Now I can keep her hidden away in my house, but what am I going to do when she goes to school. How am I going to handle that? It scares me and I’m afraid I’ll damage her by being way to over protective. It’s already bad enough that I wonder if every man I meet is a sexual predator. It scares me when I read stats that say 1 out of every three girls is sexually assaulted by the time the are 18 are something like that. I know it’s true from talking to people. That means one out of every three girls you know was sexually assaulted.
I already have this purity issue. See, I write and most of my novels features girls with purity issues. It’s my way of regaining or fighting for the purity that was stolen from me. Sometimes I have panic attacks if I see a young girl on T>V> or in a movie some how violated. Recently, with Lillian in the Ten Commandments. If something were to happen to my Little Girl, I don’t know how I would handle it.
Basically, I need to go back into therapy. But that is hard and it makes me face a world I would rather forget.

helping

I thought I would do this to just help. I guess that is the point of this. About eight weeks ago, I had a little baby girl and was separated from her shortly after birth due to health concerns. That was hard. Several days after her birth, she was moved from the nicu to the convalescent nursery and I was able to make the trek from my bedroom to the nursery. While there, an adoptive couple came in to see the child they were going to adopt. I don’t know who they are or what the circumstances of the adoption were. All I could think of, a mother was going to grow through a lot of pain and I became angry for her. Why, because I knew the love of my child. I desperately wanted nothing but to love my child and it was killing me being separated from her. I couldn’t imagine losing the rights to be her mother. I secretly wish that the mother of the unknown baby changed her mind and kept her baby. I guess that is why, I started researching adoption. I wanted to know what it was like. I wanted to hear the pain of it and wish that there was something to be done. During my research, I read stories of the hurt mother go through when they place their children. I have been outraged to learn that adoption agencies, seeking profit, are tearing apart families and taking advantage of adoptive parent’s hopes and dreams. On one blog, a blogger was trying to find who needed to be reached in order to make adoption reform work. She mentioned the adoptive mothers. Well there are not that many people who are really affected by adoption. We all know that the government will ignore the minority’s pleas. If adoption reform is going to happened, reformers must reach those who are not affected. Break the adoption is wonderful shield in front of their eyes and make them realize there is corruption. Those calling out for reform must increase in numbers. I guess that is why I decided to post this when I learned about the call to help the Stephanie Bennett’s family. I pray that the family is united. That Stephanie can once again cuddle with her little girl and wash her little toes and fingers. She deserves it. She is the mother. I can’t imagine the pain that she is going through. But I also pray, that her pain will help get the uninvolved involved in adoption reform.

I have two mothers let me explain. One mother is the woman who loves me. She talks to me about motherhood and listens to my fears and complaints. She has loved me unconditionally. She is the woman who gave My daughter her middle name. Not because I wanted that to be her middle name, but because in some ways I felt that my mother deserved the honor;. She is the mother that gave me 2,000 dollars when depression sent me uninsured into the hospital. That is the mother I received when I married my husband.

Then there is the mother who gave birth to me. She is the one I have very little contact with only through an occasional email. She is the one that didn’t protect me. The one who denies that man she believes is a saint raped my innocence to fulfill his own desires. She is the one that doesn’t know I have a daughter because it will be a cold day in hell before I will let him rape my Little Girl’s innocence and this woman would probably stand by an allow him.

I think that there is a subconscious part of abused children that want to adopt themselves out. I have been doing it my whole life. Anyone that would show me any true love I would try and become their child. Now I might not try to move in with them, but I would definitely try over and over again to receive that love they gave. I once convinced a couple people that my preacher was my brother. Ha.

In some ways I think I no longer am doing that because I have successfully adopted myself to my husband’s family. I have a dad now who would kill the man that produced me if he ever tried to hurt me and a mother who will give me all the love in the world. I have aunts and uncles who give me advice, hugs and kisses. I have grandparents who would be deeply hurt if I ever left their life.. I have been so successful with this adoption, that I don’t even miss my biological family. Maybe I am in denial but I don’t.

My daughter has two grandmothers. One is my husband’s mother and his stepmother. They are both loving people. In some ways I hope this keeps her from noticing or missing my mother; thus furthering her protection.

Maybe this blog isn’t so much about my struggle to bond with my child as much as it is about trying to be the mother I never had growing up. Because I absolutely refuse to allow my daughter to live such a life.

Sad but true. I wonder if my daughter and I have finally reached some kind of break through. Last night my daughter was extremely cranky. I was able to get her to calm down by holding her. Her father, my wonderful loving husband, asked to hold her. I gave her to him. She sat with him for about ten minutes and then started to freak out. He just sat there holding her. Finally I went to her picked her up and started talking to her. She calmed down. I handed her back to her daddy and she immediately freaked out. She wants you, my husband said. I picked her up and started talking to her and she calmed down. Wow, my daughter wanted me. I told my husband it’s because we spend almost every second together. He said he understood. I still think it hurt my husband. I think the next time he’s holding her and she gets cranky I’ll let him continue holding her. She has to learn to love us both equally. But it still made me feel wonderful to know my daughter wanted me. Of course it could have been because I talked to her but I’m still going to take this small victory.

she has to be held

I love to write novels. Sometimes, I can’t stop writing novels. However at the moment I’m having trouble writing novels. Why? Well, she’s about to turned seven weeks tomorrow. My daughter has decided that she usually can’t be alone for a second. Bed time is wonderful because she will cry until she realizes we are not going to come to her rescue. Now I should be happy. Yay, my daughter wants me to hold her. But the thing is. She doesn’t care who holds her. Just as long as she is being held. She wants to sleep with me, but I believe that is absolutely dangerous. I wonder if she would be fine if she had another baby to sleep with. Ah, I love my little peanut. SO I’m trying to figure out how to balance her and a laptop on my lap. Sometimes, I’ll put her squirming self on the desk while I type on the computer. Well, she likes to hit the keys with her little feet and hands. So that doesn’t quite work. The best invention though is that freaking sling. I put her in it. She is snug close to me and I can get some things done. If I didn’t have that thing, I swear sometimes the house would never get cleaned.
Maybe my little peanut is just afraid of being alone. I guess when I think from her perspective that could be the problem. She has to depend on someone to feed her and take care of her. She might not know that when she is set down the person will remember to return. So she cries until I or someone else returns. So she has probably learned that crying makes someone appear. Therefore, she cries to always make sure that the person who takes care of her is always there and doesn’t forget her.

bottle making week

I have a proposition to make. What if we had national bottle collecting day?. Now before you roll your eyes and say I'm just too tired or what a stupid idea hear me out. Every week all us parents of babies designate a day when we collect bottles and wash them. What do you mean collect bottles? Well, dearies, we go through our houses, cars and whatever else and find all those bottles. Especailly the ones the cat knocked off the counter and knocked under the couch The ones that are turning blue should be given first priory. We then as one wash them. Yay, all the bottles are cleaned and life is easier. No more searcher the house for a bottle while the little peanut is screamer at the top of her lungs. We would get more sleep at night because we wouldn't have to find bottle, wash bottle, make bottle and then feed screaming cute thing.

P.S. Those of you who were able to breast feed I'm envious of you. You can ignore this day.

Maybe she is angry with me. Think about it. She might have spent nine months thinking oh boy when I get out that voice I keep hearing is going to take care of and love me. That is what I told her. But that is not what happened. Instead her world folded opened to reveal a bright light and two hands grabbed her. She rushed to a table and was completely surrounded by strange voices and scents while she searched and cried for the voice. The voice was supposed to be there. She was then brought to the voice only for a second. The voice barely touched her before she was whisked away. She might have felt rejected as she was carried away from the voice. Then she was put in a plaster clear box, hooked up to wires, stuff stuck in her arms. She’s alone, she’s sad and she’s probably thinking the voice betrayed her. SO she sits in the plastic box for what to her seems like an eternity. But then something happens the voice magically appears. The voice touches her. They lock eyes. She picks her up and some of the wires slip away. She puts her near something warm and it has something yummy inside. But then as soon as the voice appears it is gone and Little Girl is alone again in the plastic box thinking where is the voice. But over time the voice comes and goes and the little child has no idea what is going on. Why does the voice keep coming and leaving? So she gets mad and frustrated. She refuses the warm thing not near the beat and only will take the warm thing next to the beat because its next to the beat and she wants to be back under the beat. Then her anguish and since of hurt overcomes her and she wants nothing to do with the beat so she refuses that warm thing. Thus the voice has betrayed her. But maybe she realizes that the voice is around more and more. And the voice is feeding her. Then she hears one day that her life and the life of the voice was in jeopardy and that is why they were separated, but the voice promises her, they will not be separated again. But the question is can she trust the voice. SO she lets the voice feed and love her but she refuses to acknowledge any feelings for the voice.

am I entitled to her

Sometimes because my daughter doesn’t look anything like me I feel as though I’m not entitled to her. I know this is silly. She came from my body. I birthed, I care for and I doubt that no human except for her father can love her the way I do. However, she looks more like her father’s mom and sister. So I feel like they should be have her. They should parent her. And sometimes that makes me bitter towards some of those family members. It’s kind of like how I feel so bitter towards her grandparents and aunt because right after birth they got spend more time with her then I did. I can’t even look at the pictures of them and her in the NICU without being jealous. Part of me, wishes I would have been selfish and said no. I’m still jeaulous sometimes and want to hide her away. I have already told my husband that on mother’s day, I’m not going to let go of her. I guess that is one day I can be very selfish and in regards to my daughter.

first rant

first I don't think anybody will ever read this. I want to rant and well I'm hoping people will read my rants. I consider myself a mommy in making. Why despite all the claims of baby and mommy bonding my daughter doesn't seem to care if I'm a live or dead. Of course she is only five weeks ( really she should have been born this Saturday). Really, is there really a such thing as baby/mommy bonding. My daughter responds to everybody in the world the same way she responds to me. I keep lying and saying she responds to me differently. But well I'm just lying. I'm her feeder and changer well I should be grateful for that. Some never even get to experience that. I do love my daughter. In fact I love her ferociously. I get easily jealous of her family members who hold her and don’t want them around her. But I try my best to bury the green monster and move on with me life. SHE IS MY DAUGHTER. So what If I was chained to a bed for twenty-four hours while everyone else in the world got to visit with her in the NICU. She’s mine. I wish people didn’t want to see her all the time, want to hold her all the time. Everyone in the world wants to hold her. Wants to lay some kind of claim on her because she falls into the category of cute baby. Believe me she is not just some cute baby. She is a person, with a personality. Don’t believe me then join me at her next o’clock feeding. That child demands that I feed her and will not rest until I pull myself off the bed and plop a bottle in her mouth. my baby basically refused my breast. Probably because there wasn’t much food in them. She loves to eat. She hates to bathe and she would rather be held by anybody just as long as she is being held. So when do I begin to matter to her more then anybody on this earth. When she’s 18 and wants the car keys. I’m her mom. I could have lost my life carrying her if I didn’t have awesome doctors. But everybody in the freaking world wants them to be her baby.

Two weeks ago her aunt got married. Her grandparents basically kidnapped her from my arms and made sure that everybody in the world got to see her. Her grandmother even tried waking her up so people can see her eyes. No one has a right to see her eyes, but she does have a right to sleep. I deal with the late feeding. I deal with the fussiness but everybody wants her to be their play thing. Man I hope no one from my church or family sees this . I have so much too rant about and probably people will laugh at me. Infertile couples would probably tell me to get over, but I badly want that magical bonding experience everyone claims exists.