bottle making week

I have a proposition to make. What if we had national bottle collecting day?. Now before you roll your eyes and say I'm just too tired or what a stupid idea hear me out. Every week all us parents of babies designate a day when we collect bottles and wash them. What do you mean collect bottles? Well, dearies, we go through our houses, cars and whatever else and find all those bottles. Especailly the ones the cat knocked off the counter and knocked under the couch The ones that are turning blue should be given first priory. We then as one wash them. Yay, all the bottles are cleaned and life is easier. No more searcher the house for a bottle while the little peanut is screamer at the top of her lungs. We would get more sleep at night because we wouldn't have to find bottle, wash bottle, make bottle and then feed screaming cute thing.

P.S. Those of you who were able to breast feed I'm envious of you. You can ignore this day.

Maybe she is angry with me. Think about it. She might have spent nine months thinking oh boy when I get out that voice I keep hearing is going to take care of and love me. That is what I told her. But that is not what happened. Instead her world folded opened to reveal a bright light and two hands grabbed her. She rushed to a table and was completely surrounded by strange voices and scents while she searched and cried for the voice. The voice was supposed to be there. She was then brought to the voice only for a second. The voice barely touched her before she was whisked away. She might have felt rejected as she was carried away from the voice. Then she was put in a plaster clear box, hooked up to wires, stuff stuck in her arms. She’s alone, she’s sad and she’s probably thinking the voice betrayed her. SO she sits in the plastic box for what to her seems like an eternity. But then something happens the voice magically appears. The voice touches her. They lock eyes. She picks her up and some of the wires slip away. She puts her near something warm and it has something yummy inside. But then as soon as the voice appears it is gone and Little Girl is alone again in the plastic box thinking where is the voice. But over time the voice comes and goes and the little child has no idea what is going on. Why does the voice keep coming and leaving? So she gets mad and frustrated. She refuses the warm thing not near the beat and only will take the warm thing next to the beat because its next to the beat and she wants to be back under the beat. Then her anguish and since of hurt overcomes her and she wants nothing to do with the beat so she refuses that warm thing. Thus the voice has betrayed her. But maybe she realizes that the voice is around more and more. And the voice is feeding her. Then she hears one day that her life and the life of the voice was in jeopardy and that is why they were separated, but the voice promises her, they will not be separated again. But the question is can she trust the voice. SO she lets the voice feed and love her but she refuses to acknowledge any feelings for the voice.

am I entitled to her

Sometimes because my daughter doesn’t look anything like me I feel as though I’m not entitled to her. I know this is silly. She came from my body. I birthed, I care for and I doubt that no human except for her father can love her the way I do. However, she looks more like her father’s mom and sister. So I feel like they should be have her. They should parent her. And sometimes that makes me bitter towards some of those family members. It’s kind of like how I feel so bitter towards her grandparents and aunt because right after birth they got spend more time with her then I did. I can’t even look at the pictures of them and her in the NICU without being jealous. Part of me, wishes I would have been selfish and said no. I’m still jeaulous sometimes and want to hide her away. I have already told my husband that on mother’s day, I’m not going to let go of her. I guess that is one day I can be very selfish and in regards to my daughter.

first rant

first I don't think anybody will ever read this. I want to rant and well I'm hoping people will read my rants. I consider myself a mommy in making. Why despite all the claims of baby and mommy bonding my daughter doesn't seem to care if I'm a live or dead. Of course she is only five weeks ( really she should have been born this Saturday). Really, is there really a such thing as baby/mommy bonding. My daughter responds to everybody in the world the same way she responds to me. I keep lying and saying she responds to me differently. But well I'm just lying. I'm her feeder and changer well I should be grateful for that. Some never even get to experience that. I do love my daughter. In fact I love her ferociously. I get easily jealous of her family members who hold her and don’t want them around her. But I try my best to bury the green monster and move on with me life. SHE IS MY DAUGHTER. So what If I was chained to a bed for twenty-four hours while everyone else in the world got to visit with her in the NICU. She’s mine. I wish people didn’t want to see her all the time, want to hold her all the time. Everyone in the world wants to hold her. Wants to lay some kind of claim on her because she falls into the category of cute baby. Believe me she is not just some cute baby. She is a person, with a personality. Don’t believe me then join me at her next o’clock feeding. That child demands that I feed her and will not rest until I pull myself off the bed and plop a bottle in her mouth. my baby basically refused my breast. Probably because there wasn’t much food in them. She loves to eat. She hates to bathe and she would rather be held by anybody just as long as she is being held. So when do I begin to matter to her more then anybody on this earth. When she’s 18 and wants the car keys. I’m her mom. I could have lost my life carrying her if I didn’t have awesome doctors. But everybody in the freaking world wants them to be her baby.

Two weeks ago her aunt got married. Her grandparents basically kidnapped her from my arms and made sure that everybody in the world got to see her. Her grandmother even tried waking her up so people can see her eyes. No one has a right to see her eyes, but she does have a right to sleep. I deal with the late feeding. I deal with the fussiness but everybody wants her to be their play thing. Man I hope no one from my church or family sees this . I have so much too rant about and probably people will laugh at me. Infertile couples would probably tell me to get over, but I badly want that magical bonding experience everyone claims exists.