first rant

first I don't think anybody will ever read this. I want to rant and well I'm hoping people will read my rants. I consider myself a mommy in making. Why despite all the claims of baby and mommy bonding my daughter doesn't seem to care if I'm a live or dead. Of course she is only five weeks ( really she should have been born this Saturday). Really, is there really a such thing as baby/mommy bonding. My daughter responds to everybody in the world the same way she responds to me. I keep lying and saying she responds to me differently. But well I'm just lying. I'm her feeder and changer well I should be grateful for that. Some never even get to experience that. I do love my daughter. In fact I love her ferociously. I get easily jealous of her family members who hold her and don’t want them around her. But I try my best to bury the green monster and move on with me life. SHE IS MY DAUGHTER. So what If I was chained to a bed for twenty-four hours while everyone else in the world got to visit with her in the NICU. She’s mine. I wish people didn’t want to see her all the time, want to hold her all the time. Everyone in the world wants to hold her. Wants to lay some kind of claim on her because she falls into the category of cute baby. Believe me she is not just some cute baby. She is a person, with a personality. Don’t believe me then join me at her next o’clock feeding. That child demands that I feed her and will not rest until I pull myself off the bed and plop a bottle in her mouth. my baby basically refused my breast. Probably because there wasn’t much food in them. She loves to eat. She hates to bathe and she would rather be held by anybody just as long as she is being held. So when do I begin to matter to her more then anybody on this earth. When she’s 18 and wants the car keys. I’m her mom. I could have lost my life carrying her if I didn’t have awesome doctors. But everybody in the freaking world wants them to be her baby.

Two weeks ago her aunt got married. Her grandparents basically kidnapped her from my arms and made sure that everybody in the world got to see her. Her grandmother even tried waking her up so people can see her eyes. No one has a right to see her eyes, but she does have a right to sleep. I deal with the late feeding. I deal with the fussiness but everybody wants her to be their play thing. Man I hope no one from my church or family sees this . I have so much too rant about and probably people will laugh at me. Infertile couples would probably tell me to get over, but I badly want that magical bonding experience everyone claims exists.