I have an idea.

I want to get some children's books on where babies come from and about sex and put them on peanut's bookshelf. Now I know she is too young to read, but she can look at the pictures. The idea is to make sex and where babies come from always common knowledge to her, so that there is never this great awakening moment. Make it normal. Of course I want to get books about how different parts of the body work, so that the sex ones don't stand out. Also, want to leave notes in the books, about things about her being in my tummy, insights and notes saying that she can talk to me about this. At the end of the book, I want to leave a message saying, God's plan is for sex to remain in marriage, however, I want to leave a not that says if she ever finds herself in an unplanned pregnancies to come to us and we will help her take care of her child. I want her to know from day one families stay together and that we will help her with her child.

I am the mother

You know I really don't think the people in my husband's family respect my parenting decisions. I really don't. They make fun of the fact that a I refuse to lie to the peanut and tell her Santa is real.

They question what I feed her. I mean really I prepare 99 percent of her meals. I know what she can and can't eat.

They tell me what I can and can't feed her.

One of them even took somethign that I gave her and broke it up even though I know she could eat what I gave her.

I have heard them sigh when I give her stuff. You know what it makes me mad. There seems to be all these eyes watching everything I do. It makes me want to start picking out what I think they do wrong.

One family member question me for wanting to have some time off of my daughter so that I could get some work done.
Really, just because I 'm the mom I have to do everything and my husband doesn't have to anything. YOu know I love them, but sometimes they really make me mad.

I am the mother. GOt that people

Ain't nothing like watching Hotel Rwanda to make you hate your white American Priviledged self. I must have think God a thousand times for letting me be an american.

Who is a mother

Post for today.
On the agent front no news.

On the mommy front, Michelle has learned to clap. It's quite cute to watch.

On the blog front.
Well I've been thinking about something. What makes someone a mother. There seems to be a war with people fighting for the title. On personal note, I have a hard time referring to the woman who birthed me as mother because she never protected me. TO me if you allow your child to be abused, your not a mother. Others will disagree with me. I know, but that is how I feel. I consider my husband's mom, mom. SHe has done a lot to help me be the young woman I am today.
The thing that has been thinking (and I might be wrong) is the Bible never considers a woman the mother of a child if she didn't birth that child.
FOr example,
Hagar not Sarah is Ishmael's mom. Rachel's and Lea's concubines are the mother of the children they bore and pharaohs' daughter was always just pharaohs' daughter, never mose's mother. I know you would say different place, different time, but the concubines were surrogates.
We are also suppose to Honor our parents. But what does that mean. The Bible never says if your parents are abusive you get to find new parents and only honor them.
There is no story that I know of (and I have read the whole Bible) of an abused child getting new parents. So i'm wondering if your parents suck or you just stuck. Whereas you might get new caretakers, but you don't get to claim someone else as mom and dad.

But you know it doesn't say you don't get new parents. So I guess that is a positive. This is hard for me because of the WHOLE honor you mother and father commandment. I DON'T TO HONOR THEM. I WANT TO FORGET THEY EVEN EXIST.

Man I want new parents.

I know there are some people who read this blog that are parents of children they didn't birth, so if you have some insight. Please speak up. I want to hear it BADLY>

P.S. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist.

pregnancy and vulnerability.

News on my front,

I haven’t heard from the agent. Perhaps, he is sipping a glass of wine while enjoying my main characters first kiss. Perhaps, he’s already tossed it into the recycling bin and has forgotten to tell me of his rejection.

On the mommy front. Peanut is losing her hair again. She’s starting to look like Bill Murray.

You know I've been thinking about how vulnerable women are when they are pregnant. I read this young mom's blog today. She made this list of things she thought while she was pregnant. Her pregnancy was not at the best time. Before and after I was pregnant I thought some of the same things she did. I hope she doesn't mind, but I want to talk about some of the things she wrote.
First off she wrote:
"I might shake Moonbeam to death if I kept her."

I still struggling with the thought of accidentally abusing my daughter. In fact my biggest fear is i'm going to sexually abuse her. Have I , no. I have thought about the fact that I need to separate myself from her, so I don't.

Next she wrote
"My husband might end up abusing Moonbeam if I kept her."

At one point, I thought I needed to runaway with Michelle, so my husband could not abuse her. My husband is not abusive. He is a very kind and loving man.

She also lists some other things that I won't go into detail. I asked her where these thoughts came from, her answer was they were influenced by her cultural upbringing. I won't say how these thoughts affected her because I don't want to accidentally misrepresent her but you can read her story here http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/2007/12/17/once-upon-a-time/#comment-18797

I guess my point is women are just vulnerable while pregnant especially if that pregnancy is not at the best time. Personally I'm shocked at how we treat women who are pregnant in unplanned pregnancies. I have looked at some adoption websites because I have read some major complaints about them. Some of the things that say are downright manipulative.
So really, if anyone out there is reading my blog Google them. FInd out some of the things they say. Look at them from the perspective of being a vulnerable pregnant woman. Ask yourself, what would you do if you were in such a situation. I know I would have bought every line and that scares me.
Women in unplanned pregnancies need resources. They need support. They need the unconditional, non-judgmental love God commanded us to give people. They don't need to hear about the plight of other people.

YOu know I really want to help women in unplanned pregnancies. I've been praying about it. Asking God if it is his will, to show me how I can help someone. I know if it is his will he will guide me. So if you believe in God, say a little prayer for me.

disposables never looked this cute

bad mommy

Yeap tha's a pickle she is sucking on and yeap I gave it to her. So go a head and nominate me as the worse mommy of the year. But you know what she likes the silly thing and she looks so cute

agent report 1 and other things

You know it's been in the back of my mine, but I'm wondering what is going to happened with this whole agent thing. He's had it for about three months now. That's typical wait time. I wonder if he has looked at it or what. I won't let myself think about it much. Because really hardly ever do agents sign an author and hardly ever does a writer get published without one. So to say the least, the fact that he is reading it is an accomplishment in itself. But I can't help but wonder. I just want to know. Questions keep slipping in and out of my mine. First off what if it didn't make it to him? And so he figured I just didn't bother to send it.
What if the corrections, I made in it, didn't save?
So many questions.

Next random thought. I'm glad I was able to get pregnant fast. Basically I'm glad there were no complications. I can't imagined the pain of not being able to have a child. I remember thinking before I got pregnant that I would rather give birth to a child then get published. I even prayed it. Well I gave birth and now an agent is reading my novel.

My cousin is having fertility problems. I'm not saying this caused it, but she led a very wild life before settling down. Now that she is starting to get her life in order she is faced with this. The doctors gave her about a 15 percent chance of being able to have a child without medical intervention. She only has one tube and it is blocked. FOr some reason they put her on clomid, (If I'm right it's an ovulatory drug). That has me concerned because my understanding is she just has blocked tubes and no ovulation problems. So why did they put her on that?
Part of me hopes she can have a child. Part of me doesn't thinks she would be a good mother. But that is my prejudice and it is wrong. She could have a child and be the best mommy. At Thanksgiving this year, I didn't really talk much about motherhood and whatever around her. But people kept saying well when you have your own kids blah blah blah to her. I wanted to well not be very nice. I couldn't believe they would say something like that. SHe might not have kids. It must have been hard to see her father playing with Michelle and wondering if she would ever see him playing with her own kids. It's just sad.

What I have been up to

Michelle is ten months. She weighs around 16 pounds, she's trying to walk and repeats things, I say. I'm trying to figure out what in the world happened. It's like I closed my eyes and opened them to find her crawling. Man. That went fast. She used to be 4 pounds. I haven't really been keeping up with the blog much because I've been busy and well I don't know how much people read this. I thought I would talk about some of my parenting techniques.
First, I do not let Michelle cry things out loud. Nope. I read this excellent post on cry it out loud. http://ennorath.typepad.com/arwens_blog/2007/11/cry-it-not.html. This mama hit it on the nail. And that is basically why I do not let her cry it out loud.
I parent cheaply as possible. For example, I cloth diaper. Not for the environment sake, but because I can save a whole lot of money. I mainly use one-size fits all bumgenius. But I already see the money saving. I can use these until she is three and then turn around and use them for the next child.
Next, I try to stay away from electronic noise makers. I really don't like them. They are so annoying. Plus, they don't really work. She loses interest in about five seconds. I'm trying to find creative toys, but that's hard when your child isn't' even one.
I read to her every night. We mainly read from A Precious Moment Book. I want her to get saved. Yea, too young, but you know we really don't know how much they understand at such early ages, so I'm not taking any chances.
Oh and here is the big one with my family. I'm not teaching her the Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy or Easter bunny are real. I know you guys wants to scream scrooge. The main reason is because to me it's a lie. It's a fun lie, but it's still a lie. Now I have nothing against other parents and their parenting techniques in regards to this, but I decided that I wanted to be as truthful as possibles with Michelle. Which means eliminating all the fun lies.
That is really my parenting. MIchelle is doing find so, I guess I must be doing something right.

In other news, an Agent is reading my novel and considering me for representation. Yeap that's right. A real life bona finda agent. So maybe I'll be a famous Author someday. Perhaps, but I don't know. I don't think I'm ready. I want to be published because I want to be an author, but I write Christian novels. shouldn't I want to be published, so that I can share Jesus with people. Oh well, it's all in God's hands.
And by the way, I've been thinking of something.

So if you can answer this question go ahead. name any non-profit agency that you can think of that charges money for their services. Just list it. Something just doesnt' seem right if you have to pay to use a service from a non-profit.