I truly believe that there is some hormonal chemical in women that goes off that makes them want to be mothers badly. My went off a year a go. So I got pregnant (planned) when I really wasn’t financially able to. I’m paying for it now because I’m going into debt. Do I care, well I care about the financial aspect, but I won’t go back in time in change. Why, because I absolutely am in love with being a mother. I just got done cuddling with my little girl. That is one amazing feeling. Cuddling with my child so is taking a bath with her. I just love it.

I guess that is why people do things to have children. For example, go through evasive procedures, take horrible drugs to become mothers. It’s that hormone that goes off. My poor sister in laws hormone must have just gone off because she really wants to have a baby now and is going crazy because well hubby isn’t ready (and he really isn’t ready) to have a baby.

Any way that is my two cents for right now.

today's random thoughts

I’m not having a good day today. I just feel sad and can’t wait for the next post partum depression group meeting. I need it. I need more therapy. Right now , I don’t want to be a mother. I love my child Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t want to hold her, love her or relish the fact she’s mine. Yesterday I did, but today I don’t. I’m getting worried, I need stable employment. I need a job. I’m starting to get scared about providing for my child. I’m applying for positions but I’m getting no answers. About two years ago, I was out of work for half a year and I crashed. I crashed hard. I had a mental and spiritual breakdown. I spent four days on the LOOP. AKA, Pitt County Memorial Hospital Mental Ward. I got out went to about two therapy sessions and stopped going. I’m going to try my best not to crash this time. I start to go crazy when I don’t have work or anything to do. Yes, I have a peanut to take care of, but all she does and all she wants to do is eat and sleep on my lap. Sorry, but let’s get real that isn’t much of an intellectual stimulation. And I need that. Thus I need work. The only job I have ever loved was working at the Martin Community College teaching development English students. I just loved it and I was good at. I got my students to achieve beyond what was expected of them. Throughout the semester, they complained, they hated me, they said I couldn’t teach them, but they loved me when they passed the state required test with flying colors, something only one of them was expected to do and I got all but one to pass. Praise the Lord for giving me wisdom to teach them. I would love to go back to that but the state doesn’t put much emphases in teaching the educationally and economically disadvanted, so there doesn’t seem to be a position for me anymore. Most of my students were poor black single mothers, trying to make themselves better. To all of those who think you must give up your child to further your education, I wish you could meet my students. They are living proof you can. They don’t have it easy, but they are doing it. One thing I did to help them was look the other way when they brought children to class. As long as the child didn’t disturb the class I didn’t care. It’s against policy, but what do I tell them go home, and not better yourself.

I probably should have waited to have peanut since I didn’t have a full time job, only parttime. Thus, lost everything when I got pre clamispa and had to leave work. But I got hit with baby lust and had to have a baby, so I did. I got pregnant the first time we tried.

My blogs really have no focus. This is about to get really sad, so if you can’t handle it you might want to stop right now.

I was thinking today about how my mother must live in her own little imaginary everything is perfect world.
When I was a senior in college, my mother asked me why I broke contact with the family. I wouldn’t tell her, but she said your father did not abuse you.

Today, I remember how my father used to get my brother and me to play strip poker with him. She knew about this. What kind of mother allows this? And she wonders why I barley speak to her. Thus, why I don’t want her meeting my little girl. She insists she is married to a wonderful man and that I’m lying. What don’t you remember strip poker mama? I do and I want to know why you never did anything about. I want to know why my elementary school teacher never did anything when my friend told her how my father always talked about her breast. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. I NEVER FREAKING HAD A CHANCE. I’M TRYING TO BE THE GOOD CHRISTINA GIRL. I’M TRYING NOT TO WISH VENGENCE ON THAT MAN, BUT I WISH SOME ONE WOULD CASTRATE HIM, AND THEN BURNED HIM TO DEATH. HE MAKES ME GLAD THERE IS A HELL.

Ok, now I’m going to try and calm down, especially since my little girl has started crying. She was sitting on my lap and maybe she felt my tenseness.

I got my state refund check today and well I think I’m going to need to spend some of it. I think two good books and diner at one of my favorite restaurants is in order.

Peace ya’ll and pray for the little girls every where that no one cares enough to protect.

waiting longer

One thing about parenting a preemie, is you always have to wait longer for those mile stones. For example, my daughter will be eleven weeks tomorrow. Usually around six weeks babies started to smile. I had to wait until she was nine. (rubbing belly gets lots of smiles) Usually around two months they start to roll around. We aren't even close to that. So i guess it will be longer before she crawls. Longer before walks and talks. However, I also got to hold her sooner. Kiss her cheeks sooner. But now I wonder. She is a late term preemie. Born at 34 weeks and five days. Meaning she might have some cognitive learning delays. I hope not. I don't know if I will be able to adequately help her. I pray that I can. I saw a video today that was so sad. I won't go into it, but it made me so glad that I have my daughter. I love her so much. But I might not have. If I had no prenatal care, I more and Likely would have lost her and myself. If the doctors had not been so brilliant I would have definitely lost her.
I guess If I could have one wish, I would wish for scientist to figure out how to make artificial wombs. I know this sounds crazy, but so many babies are born way to early. What if we could just put them somewhere else to fully grow? That way mothers who go into premature labor or have a health concerned, wouldn't risk losing their little ones or even their life. Little baby could just go somewhere else and further growing. Its a wish, maybe a silly wish, but it's a wish important to me because I could have lost so much. Praise God, it didn't happen. Praise God that he was in control of things. Last week it really hit me how in control of things God was, because things could have gone the other way.
IF you have a second check out stories on preclampsia at http://www.preeclampsia.org/ourstories.asp

Who is that

my little peanut

should I have more?

Right now, I’m in poor me mode. I want to do nothing but listen to sad music, eat yummy stuff and say poor me.
I’ve been reading other stories about pre-clampsia. Wow, pre-clampsia really sucks. It’s sad to hear that doctors really don’t know anything about it. They seem to be guessing a lot , and some seem to have no clue.
I’m very lucky. I had awesome doctors, who kept a close eye on me and never let get me to far with pre-clampsia. As soon as they saw it rapidly progressing, out came baby. They then kept an eye on me to make sure that everything was returning to normal. I praise God for my doctors.
There is a line out in pre-clampsia world that says you are unlikely to get it again. Yea, then how come so many women in these stories I’m reading, keep getting it. Which leads me to a question: Should I risk it again? I was very lucky this time. But what if I’m not again? Is it fair to my little peanut and yet unborn child to go through it? Women can die from this. If I died, little peanut would have no mommy. And she loves her mommy. Also, pre-clampsia, makes you likely to have an preemie. WE all know the earlier born the more complications. Is it right to take that risk with another little human being. We were so lucky that Michelle came out with few problems. I guess I need to pray about it. I want Michelle to have siblings. But I don’t know.

pre-clampsia sucks

Pre-clampsia sucks,

If you don’t know what pre-clampsia is well, just know it sucks. If you have a mild form of pre-clampsia, your get to go on bed rest. If you have a severe or progressing pre-clampsia then you kidney enzymes and palettes get all messed up. The sad part is pre-clampsia can go from mild to severe in a matter of hours. That’s when they decide to cut your baby from you. However, the most horrible part of pre-clampsia is it can kill you and the precious little being growing inside of you.

C-sections suck. I’m glad they exist because they saved my little girl’s life. But it still sucks. You hurt forever. For almost two weeks you have to walk like a hunch back.

But motherhood doesn’t suck. Which makes the above two worth it. I’m so glad I’m little peanut’s mother. She is so precious. There is nothing better then cuddling with my little squirmy baby and kissing her little cheeks. I’m really looking forward to watching her grow up into a nice young lady. I hope I don’t mess her up. I already think she has a temper like her father and me. Man nature, why couldn’t you have let that one go. The best thing is my little peanut loves me. She loves to be held. She loves to cuddle. When she was first born, she didn’t seem to care, but now she does. Now she will cry and not be silent until I pick her up. Peanut you are the best little girl.