today's random thoughts

I’m not having a good day today. I just feel sad and can’t wait for the next post partum depression group meeting. I need it. I need more therapy. Right now , I don’t want to be a mother. I love my child Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t want to hold her, love her or relish the fact she’s mine. Yesterday I did, but today I don’t. I’m getting worried, I need stable employment. I need a job. I’m starting to get scared about providing for my child. I’m applying for positions but I’m getting no answers. About two years ago, I was out of work for half a year and I crashed. I crashed hard. I had a mental and spiritual breakdown. I spent four days on the LOOP. AKA, Pitt County Memorial Hospital Mental Ward. I got out went to about two therapy sessions and stopped going. I’m going to try my best not to crash this time. I start to go crazy when I don’t have work or anything to do. Yes, I have a peanut to take care of, but all she does and all she wants to do is eat and sleep on my lap. Sorry, but let’s get real that isn’t much of an intellectual stimulation. And I need that. Thus I need work. The only job I have ever loved was working at the Martin Community College teaching development English students. I just loved it and I was good at. I got my students to achieve beyond what was expected of them. Throughout the semester, they complained, they hated me, they said I couldn’t teach them, but they loved me when they passed the state required test with flying colors, something only one of them was expected to do and I got all but one to pass. Praise the Lord for giving me wisdom to teach them. I would love to go back to that but the state doesn’t put much emphases in teaching the educationally and economically disadvanted, so there doesn’t seem to be a position for me anymore. Most of my students were poor black single mothers, trying to make themselves better. To all of those who think you must give up your child to further your education, I wish you could meet my students. They are living proof you can. They don’t have it easy, but they are doing it. One thing I did to help them was look the other way when they brought children to class. As long as the child didn’t disturb the class I didn’t care. It’s against policy, but what do I tell them go home, and not better yourself.

I probably should have waited to have peanut since I didn’t have a full time job, only parttime. Thus, lost everything when I got pre clamispa and had to leave work. But I got hit with baby lust and had to have a baby, so I did. I got pregnant the first time we tried.

My blogs really have no focus. This is about to get really sad, so if you can’t handle it you might want to stop right now.

I was thinking today about how my mother must live in her own little imaginary everything is perfect world.
When I was a senior in college, my mother asked me why I broke contact with the family. I wouldn’t tell her, but she said your father did not abuse you.

Today, I remember how my father used to get my brother and me to play strip poker with him. She knew about this. What kind of mother allows this? And she wonders why I barley speak to her. Thus, why I don’t want her meeting my little girl. She insists she is married to a wonderful man and that I’m lying. What don’t you remember strip poker mama? I do and I want to know why you never did anything about. I want to know why my elementary school teacher never did anything when my friend told her how my father always talked about her breast. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. I NEVER FREAKING HAD A CHANCE. I’M TRYING TO BE THE GOOD CHRISTINA GIRL. I’M TRYING NOT TO WISH VENGENCE ON THAT MAN, BUT I WISH SOME ONE WOULD CASTRATE HIM, AND THEN BURNED HIM TO DEATH. HE MAKES ME GLAD THERE IS A HELL.

Ok, now I’m going to try and calm down, especially since my little girl has started crying. She was sitting on my lap and maybe she felt my tenseness.

I got my state refund check today and well I think I’m going to need to spend some of it. I think two good books and diner at one of my favorite restaurants is in order.

Peace ya’ll and pray for the little girls every where that no one cares enough to protect.