WIC

So I tried to get my daughter on WIC but apparently my family makes three thousand more then the qualifying limit. We are a family of three who made 34,000 last year. You got to be kidding. I know there are families who make less then that, but who can live on that. The majority of our money goes to, you got it, health insurance. My husband only brings in 1200 a month after health insurance gets its cut. That doesn't even include my daughter who have to pay 93 dollars for. SO really its 1100/ DO we eat. Yeap. But we can barely afford food. I had around 7,000 dollars in saving before I had my daughter. Now, I'm down to 600. Sometimes, I wonder where it all went. SOmetimes I scared about the possiblity of another pregnancy. We can't afford one on our own. I know that if it happened, we our family would surround us and the child would be taken care of. Our family has helped us a lot with Michelle.

P.S. I started this blog around 7:15 its after 8 and I'm not posting it

mad at God

I'm struggling here. I'm having a really hard time trying not to get mad at God. But its hard. Ever since I had Michelle we have been struggling financially. We cannot afford to pay the bills, nor eat. I know I'm suppose to trust him. I know he has my best interest in heart, but I'm getting impatient I want the light at the end of the tunnel. I work, but not full time and I get afford the minimum living standard. I did what I was suppose to do. I got educated. I got married. I had a baby. Hey I didn't even have sex until my wedding night. But you know what I can't afford my baby because of all my medical bills. I get so tired of people saying health care shouldn't be free. Well, you know what, the police are free. The public schools are free and a host of other things. I get't so mad when I hear the politicians talk about health insurance. Get rid of health insurance, that's the beast. I guarantee you that is what is driving health costs so high. Oh, by the way, I had health insurance. But pre-clamspia kind of broke me. I get so tired of hearing people, say if you can't afford a child then you shouldn't have one. That only married, upper middle class people deserve children and all us poor people should be the supplier. Well know what I could afford her when I got pregnant with her but things change in a second. So what should I do. HUH, give her away.
You know what people with good health insurance, you just don't understand. I'm at the point where I feel that if you don't want to pay for free health care then I don't want to pay so that the cops can keep a robber away from your nice four story home. Want to talk about socialism there is more socialism in this country then people realize.
I've joined some online groups to talk to moms in unplanned pregnancies to help them anyway I can. I feel God is leading me towards this and the things that people say to them is sickening. So many people joined these groups looking to fulfill their own needs and see nothing wrong with taking advantage of a woman in a financial straight. So how about this. How about helping others instead of taking. I mean really what's more selfish.
ANyway I guess that is my rant for today. It's made me feel so much better. I have another agent looking at my novel. I pray everyday that the agents signs it. That could be my ticket out of this and I can tell you what, if it makes money thatI can live off of it. I have dreams, Dreams I wonder if they are God's dreams. Dreams to help others in need.

Guess what

I’m so sick and tired of people complaining about welfare. I know that most people have absolutely no real idea about welfare and who is on it since the media absolutely misrepresents it. But I’m just sick of hearing it.

SO LISTEN UP WORLD. MOST PEOPLE ON WELFARE ARE NOT TEENAGE BLACK MOMS. IN FACT MOST PEOPLE ON WELFARE ARE NOT EVEN TEENAGERS. JUST KEEP REPEATING THAT TO YOURSELF.

Do some research. Read the mommy myth.

You know I have a master’s degree. My husband has a bachelor’s degree and we can barely afford to eat. We did what we were supposed to do. We got educated. But you know what we are not living the American dream. I can’t find a good paying job and I work. He works. I have to make my daughter’s cloth diapers. I haven’t bought clothes in forever. Almost all her toys were bought by other people and all her clothes come from hand me downs. Neither has my husband. I’m scared of getting pregnant because another baby would absolutely break us. My husband has high cholesterol. I’m going to have to figure how to afford healthy food. We are inches away from welfare. Just inches and were the married white couple that didn’t have sex until we got married.

And you know what most people on welfare don’t live on it forever. They are not breaking the economy. You know what is: Republicans and Democrats. Yeap that’s right politicians and their corporate buddies. Not to be cliché’ But I’m so jaded with politicians. I don’t think a single one running for president is going to do a darn thing to help anyone. Really I don’t. You know why it’s not about us. It’s about them. It’s always about them.

And yes I'm in a mad mood. I'm so sick of struggling.

I have an idea.

I want to get some children's books on where babies come from and about sex and put them on peanut's bookshelf. Now I know she is too young to read, but she can look at the pictures. The idea is to make sex and where babies come from always common knowledge to her, so that there is never this great awakening moment. Make it normal. Of course I want to get books about how different parts of the body work, so that the sex ones don't stand out. Also, want to leave notes in the books, about things about her being in my tummy, insights and notes saying that she can talk to me about this. At the end of the book, I want to leave a message saying, God's plan is for sex to remain in marriage, however, I want to leave a not that says if she ever finds herself in an unplanned pregnancies to come to us and we will help her take care of her child. I want her to know from day one families stay together and that we will help her with her child.

I am the mother

You know I really don't think the people in my husband's family respect my parenting decisions. I really don't. They make fun of the fact that a I refuse to lie to the peanut and tell her Santa is real.

They question what I feed her. I mean really I prepare 99 percent of her meals. I know what she can and can't eat.

They tell me what I can and can't feed her.

One of them even took somethign that I gave her and broke it up even though I know she could eat what I gave her.

I have heard them sigh when I give her stuff. You know what it makes me mad. There seems to be all these eyes watching everything I do. It makes me want to start picking out what I think they do wrong.

One family member question me for wanting to have some time off of my daughter so that I could get some work done.
Really, just because I 'm the mom I have to do everything and my husband doesn't have to anything. YOu know I love them, but sometimes they really make me mad.

I am the mother. GOt that people

Ain't nothing like watching Hotel Rwanda to make you hate your white American Priviledged self. I must have think God a thousand times for letting me be an american.

Who is a mother

Post for today.
On the agent front no news.

On the mommy front, Michelle has learned to clap. It's quite cute to watch.

On the blog front.
Well I've been thinking about something. What makes someone a mother. There seems to be a war with people fighting for the title. On personal note, I have a hard time referring to the woman who birthed me as mother because she never protected me. TO me if you allow your child to be abused, your not a mother. Others will disagree with me. I know, but that is how I feel. I consider my husband's mom, mom. SHe has done a lot to help me be the young woman I am today.
The thing that has been thinking (and I might be wrong) is the Bible never considers a woman the mother of a child if she didn't birth that child.
FOr example,
Hagar not Sarah is Ishmael's mom. Rachel's and Lea's concubines are the mother of the children they bore and pharaohs' daughter was always just pharaohs' daughter, never mose's mother. I know you would say different place, different time, but the concubines were surrogates.
We are also suppose to Honor our parents. But what does that mean. The Bible never says if your parents are abusive you get to find new parents and only honor them.
There is no story that I know of (and I have read the whole Bible) of an abused child getting new parents. So i'm wondering if your parents suck or you just stuck. Whereas you might get new caretakers, but you don't get to claim someone else as mom and dad.

But you know it doesn't say you don't get new parents. So I guess that is a positive. This is hard for me because of the WHOLE honor you mother and father commandment. I DON'T TO HONOR THEM. I WANT TO FORGET THEY EVEN EXIST.

Man I want new parents.

I know there are some people who read this blog that are parents of children they didn't birth, so if you have some insight. Please speak up. I want to hear it BADLY>

P.S. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist.

pregnancy and vulnerability.

News on my front,

I haven’t heard from the agent. Perhaps, he is sipping a glass of wine while enjoying my main characters first kiss. Perhaps, he’s already tossed it into the recycling bin and has forgotten to tell me of his rejection.

On the mommy front. Peanut is losing her hair again. She’s starting to look like Bill Murray.

You know I've been thinking about how vulnerable women are when they are pregnant. I read this young mom's blog today. She made this list of things she thought while she was pregnant. Her pregnancy was not at the best time. Before and after I was pregnant I thought some of the same things she did. I hope she doesn't mind, but I want to talk about some of the things she wrote.
First off she wrote:
"I might shake Moonbeam to death if I kept her."

I still struggling with the thought of accidentally abusing my daughter. In fact my biggest fear is i'm going to sexually abuse her. Have I , no. I have thought about the fact that I need to separate myself from her, so I don't.

Next she wrote
"My husband might end up abusing Moonbeam if I kept her."

At one point, I thought I needed to runaway with Michelle, so my husband could not abuse her. My husband is not abusive. He is a very kind and loving man.

She also lists some other things that I won't go into detail. I asked her where these thoughts came from, her answer was they were influenced by her cultural upbringing. I won't say how these thoughts affected her because I don't want to accidentally misrepresent her but you can read her story here http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/2007/12/17/once-upon-a-time/#comment-18797

I guess my point is women are just vulnerable while pregnant especially if that pregnancy is not at the best time. Personally I'm shocked at how we treat women who are pregnant in unplanned pregnancies. I have looked at some adoption websites because I have read some major complaints about them. Some of the things that say are downright manipulative.
So really, if anyone out there is reading my blog Google them. FInd out some of the things they say. Look at them from the perspective of being a vulnerable pregnant woman. Ask yourself, what would you do if you were in such a situation. I know I would have bought every line and that scares me.
Women in unplanned pregnancies need resources. They need support. They need the unconditional, non-judgmental love God commanded us to give people. They don't need to hear about the plight of other people.

YOu know I really want to help women in unplanned pregnancies. I've been praying about it. Asking God if it is his will, to show me how I can help someone. I know if it is his will he will guide me. So if you believe in God, say a little prayer for me.

disposables never looked this cute

bad mommy

Yeap tha's a pickle she is sucking on and yeap I gave it to her. So go a head and nominate me as the worse mommy of the year. But you know what she likes the silly thing and she looks so cute

agent report 1 and other things

You know it's been in the back of my mine, but I'm wondering what is going to happened with this whole agent thing. He's had it for about three months now. That's typical wait time. I wonder if he has looked at it or what. I won't let myself think about it much. Because really hardly ever do agents sign an author and hardly ever does a writer get published without one. So to say the least, the fact that he is reading it is an accomplishment in itself. But I can't help but wonder. I just want to know. Questions keep slipping in and out of my mine. First off what if it didn't make it to him? And so he figured I just didn't bother to send it.
What if the corrections, I made in it, didn't save?
So many questions.

Next random thought. I'm glad I was able to get pregnant fast. Basically I'm glad there were no complications. I can't imagined the pain of not being able to have a child. I remember thinking before I got pregnant that I would rather give birth to a child then get published. I even prayed it. Well I gave birth and now an agent is reading my novel.

My cousin is having fertility problems. I'm not saying this caused it, but she led a very wild life before settling down. Now that she is starting to get her life in order she is faced with this. The doctors gave her about a 15 percent chance of being able to have a child without medical intervention. She only has one tube and it is blocked. FOr some reason they put her on clomid, (If I'm right it's an ovulatory drug). That has me concerned because my understanding is she just has blocked tubes and no ovulation problems. So why did they put her on that?
Part of me hopes she can have a child. Part of me doesn't thinks she would be a good mother. But that is my prejudice and it is wrong. She could have a child and be the best mommy. At Thanksgiving this year, I didn't really talk much about motherhood and whatever around her. But people kept saying well when you have your own kids blah blah blah to her. I wanted to well not be very nice. I couldn't believe they would say something like that. SHe might not have kids. It must have been hard to see her father playing with Michelle and wondering if she would ever see him playing with her own kids. It's just sad.

What I have been up to

Michelle is ten months. She weighs around 16 pounds, she's trying to walk and repeats things, I say. I'm trying to figure out what in the world happened. It's like I closed my eyes and opened them to find her crawling. Man. That went fast. She used to be 4 pounds. I haven't really been keeping up with the blog much because I've been busy and well I don't know how much people read this. I thought I would talk about some of my parenting techniques.
First, I do not let Michelle cry things out loud. Nope. I read this excellent post on cry it out loud. http://ennorath.typepad.com/arwens_blog/2007/11/cry-it-not.html. This mama hit it on the nail. And that is basically why I do not let her cry it out loud.
I parent cheaply as possible. For example, I cloth diaper. Not for the environment sake, but because I can save a whole lot of money. I mainly use one-size fits all bumgenius. But I already see the money saving. I can use these until she is three and then turn around and use them for the next child.
Next, I try to stay away from electronic noise makers. I really don't like them. They are so annoying. Plus, they don't really work. She loses interest in about five seconds. I'm trying to find creative toys, but that's hard when your child isn't' even one.
I read to her every night. We mainly read from A Precious Moment Book. I want her to get saved. Yea, too young, but you know we really don't know how much they understand at such early ages, so I'm not taking any chances.
Oh and here is the big one with my family. I'm not teaching her the Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy or Easter bunny are real. I know you guys wants to scream scrooge. The main reason is because to me it's a lie. It's a fun lie, but it's still a lie. Now I have nothing against other parents and their parenting techniques in regards to this, but I decided that I wanted to be as truthful as possibles with Michelle. Which means eliminating all the fun lies.
That is really my parenting. MIchelle is doing find so, I guess I must be doing something right.

In other news, an Agent is reading my novel and considering me for representation. Yeap that's right. A real life bona finda agent. So maybe I'll be a famous Author someday. Perhaps, but I don't know. I don't think I'm ready. I want to be published because I want to be an author, but I write Christian novels. shouldn't I want to be published, so that I can share Jesus with people. Oh well, it's all in God's hands.
And by the way, I've been thinking of something.

So if you can answer this question go ahead. name any non-profit agency that you can think of that charges money for their services. Just list it. Something just doesnt' seem right if you have to pay to use a service from a non-profit.

I can have more babies

I had my regular pap smear today. I asked my doctor if I could have more children since the last one didn't end very well. And well, he said I could, but I would just be at a higher risk for getting it again. I'm happy about that, but I guess the thing is do I want to. Do I really want to have more children. DOn't get me wrong, I would love to have more children the thing is I'm scarred. I'm scarred because it can kill you and I don't know if I want to take that risk or risk having to have another c-section. I love my baby and I really want to watch her grow up. But preclampsia can kill you and it can kill the baby. I guess i just need to pray about it. THis is just so hard.

I know I haven't written in a while. I don't even know if anyone is reading this. But I just wnated to say I think I have been researching others people's pain and misery instead of just dealing with my own. SO I think for the sake of my little girl I need to start doing that. Well, lets see what happens.

I'm confused

Today's thoughts on my motherhood. I've been reading a lot about what people go through and will pay to become parents and a thought keeps creeping into my head. The thought has kind of got me wondering what it means about me. "Children aren't worth what you are putting yourself through, they are just going grow up and be gone by 18" Then I go what. Why am I thinking this? What does this say about my love towards my daughter." Lately I'm becoming apathetic towards being a mother. I just don't feel all that warm and fuzzy over it. My daughter smiles at me and cries for me to hold her and I don't care. I just go oh well and feign that I'm happy for her sake. I used to love taking a bath with her, now I don't know why I keep taking baths with her. I don't care to hold her. I don't know what all this means. I used want to do nothing but cuddle with her. AM I just getting used to motherhood or is there something else going on. I'm sure I love her. I'm sure If i lost her I would be devastated. I'm tired, I'm getting tired of being at home and having no work to keep me going. I used to just want to stay at home with her. Now I want something to do. If my dream job would fall into my lap I would be happy. I'm getting impatient with God and scared on how I'm going to provide for this little being I brought into the world.
I often wonder if I'll change my mind when I decide I want to have another baby. I want to have another pregnancy so I can have a vaginal birth, but I don't think i want another baby. I'm starting to think I'm not meant to have another baby. It's probably not wise anyway. I really should ask my doctor. I wonder if I get hit with the baby bug again, would I think doing all this medical stuff is worth it. I'm probably taking for granted what came too natural for me. I got pregnant the first time I tried. Thus that is how little girl came into the world.

prayer request

if you are the praying type please prayer for a christian mother who is going through a rough time. SHe is five months pregnant and has found out that her baby's intestines are on the outside of his body and is growing into the umbilical cord. The doctor's have told her the child will not live. Her prayer request is that if the child is going to die, that God will take him quickly so she doesn't have to face the issue of an abortion. Please also prayer that God will heal her family's pain and help her to make the right decision.

frozen babies and other random thoughts

So I have moved on from adoption and now I'm researching reproductive technology and surrogacy. Why, I don't know. I just research stuff. But anyway it's got me thinking. Is it ethical to freeze these embryos. See, I believe that life begins as soon as egg meets sperm. When people freeze embryos aren't they freezing little people. That just seems wrong to me. What also seems wrong is that the embryos not used are trashed. I guess we really won't know until we look the maker in the eye, but I can just imagine what he is going to say about this. I guess some ways it's good there is embryo adoption so some of these little people can have a chance, but then again, we shouldn't be creating a product for a demand. What I mean is we shouldn't' make sure that there are embryos for people to adopt. I guess in this country if we can sell it, we will.

Something else that I have been thinking about is that fifty percent of all pregnancies end before the woman knows she is pregnant. I wonder if that means someday in Heaven I'll get to meet all these children that I never knew about. I kind of like the idea even though it's a sad thought.

Next random thought. I live in North Carolina. Yay. Today the law makers are voting on whether or not adoptee's birth certificates should be available to adoptees. I have been praying that God will softened the lawmakers hearts and let them vote yes. But I doubt it. This is North Carolina. Our state plant produces cancer. Not knocking people who make are sell tobacco just stating the facts. North Carolina can get very stuck in tradition. So in my opinion it will take a divine interference for the records to be opened. You know this is really a freedom of the press issue. Ya'll are probably raising your eyebrows. i used to be a reporter. I wasn't good at it, but I was one. Birth certificates are public record. Plain and simple. I can get a copy of anybodies birth certificate. What else is public record. Marriage certificates, death certificates and police reports. Despite popular belief a rape victim's name is public record. If I wanted to I could push the issue and find out the name of someone who has been raped. Luckily, the media as the good sense to not publish a victim's name. Why is all this public record, so that us the people can keep and eye on the government. Therefore, don't you think all adoption records should be public that way we can keep an eye on the people who are making decisions for children. Now, I understand there probably should be some info that should be kept secret. Such as medical info about the child and parent. That information should only be given to the interested party. And I can see how a woman placing a child, wouldn't want her name published and hopefully the media would understand that, but open records is a way to ensure over site of the government and other agencies. Anyway I would be interested to hear what others think.

Got an email from my mother. She will usually just email once every other month. She'll only write about two sentence.s It usually takes me awhile to respond to her. Every time I see an email from her, I get all tense and there is this awful feeling in my stomach. I just wish that she would disappear. I love her. I really do, but she lives in the land of make believe. I guess it's better that way. She doesn't have to face all the pain. I lived in make believe land until I was 19 until a priest basically destroyed my illusion.

Peanut is sleeping right now. Last night, I was lying in bed and for a moment it hit me that in the other room there was this little being that came from my body. And all I could think of was her precious face. However, that was a temporary realization. i wonder when it's really going to hit me that I'm a mother.

I'm glad that I have this desire to research stuff. I've learned so much. I would have never learned what I did about adoption if I hadn't.

eight hours of sleep

I'm so happy and have so much energy. I haven't felt this awake in a while. Why, little peanut slept from 121 a.m. to 8 a.m.. What she slept around hours, which mean mommy got to have a full night of sleep. Heres praying that is will continue. .

I truly believe that there is some hormonal chemical in women that goes off that makes them want to be mothers badly. My went off a year a go. So I got pregnant (planned) when I really wasn’t financially able to. I’m paying for it now because I’m going into debt. Do I care, well I care about the financial aspect, but I won’t go back in time in change. Why, because I absolutely am in love with being a mother. I just got done cuddling with my little girl. That is one amazing feeling. Cuddling with my child so is taking a bath with her. I just love it.

I guess that is why people do things to have children. For example, go through evasive procedures, take horrible drugs to become mothers. It’s that hormone that goes off. My poor sister in laws hormone must have just gone off because she really wants to have a baby now and is going crazy because well hubby isn’t ready (and he really isn’t ready) to have a baby.

Any way that is my two cents for right now.

today's random thoughts

I’m not having a good day today. I just feel sad and can’t wait for the next post partum depression group meeting. I need it. I need more therapy. Right now , I don’t want to be a mother. I love my child Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t want to hold her, love her or relish the fact she’s mine. Yesterday I did, but today I don’t. I’m getting worried, I need stable employment. I need a job. I’m starting to get scared about providing for my child. I’m applying for positions but I’m getting no answers. About two years ago, I was out of work for half a year and I crashed. I crashed hard. I had a mental and spiritual breakdown. I spent four days on the LOOP. AKA, Pitt County Memorial Hospital Mental Ward. I got out went to about two therapy sessions and stopped going. I’m going to try my best not to crash this time. I start to go crazy when I don’t have work or anything to do. Yes, I have a peanut to take care of, but all she does and all she wants to do is eat and sleep on my lap. Sorry, but let’s get real that isn’t much of an intellectual stimulation. And I need that. Thus I need work. The only job I have ever loved was working at the Martin Community College teaching development English students. I just loved it and I was good at. I got my students to achieve beyond what was expected of them. Throughout the semester, they complained, they hated me, they said I couldn’t teach them, but they loved me when they passed the state required test with flying colors, something only one of them was expected to do and I got all but one to pass. Praise the Lord for giving me wisdom to teach them. I would love to go back to that but the state doesn’t put much emphases in teaching the educationally and economically disadvanted, so there doesn’t seem to be a position for me anymore. Most of my students were poor black single mothers, trying to make themselves better. To all of those who think you must give up your child to further your education, I wish you could meet my students. They are living proof you can. They don’t have it easy, but they are doing it. One thing I did to help them was look the other way when they brought children to class. As long as the child didn’t disturb the class I didn’t care. It’s against policy, but what do I tell them go home, and not better yourself.

I probably should have waited to have peanut since I didn’t have a full time job, only parttime. Thus, lost everything when I got pre clamispa and had to leave work. But I got hit with baby lust and had to have a baby, so I did. I got pregnant the first time we tried.

My blogs really have no focus. This is about to get really sad, so if you can’t handle it you might want to stop right now.

I was thinking today about how my mother must live in her own little imaginary everything is perfect world.
When I was a senior in college, my mother asked me why I broke contact with the family. I wouldn’t tell her, but she said your father did not abuse you.

Today, I remember how my father used to get my brother and me to play strip poker with him. She knew about this. What kind of mother allows this? And she wonders why I barley speak to her. Thus, why I don’t want her meeting my little girl. She insists she is married to a wonderful man and that I’m lying. What don’t you remember strip poker mama? I do and I want to know why you never did anything about. I want to know why my elementary school teacher never did anything when my friend told her how my father always talked about her breast. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. I NEVER FREAKING HAD A CHANCE. I’M TRYING TO BE THE GOOD CHRISTINA GIRL. I’M TRYING NOT TO WISH VENGENCE ON THAT MAN, BUT I WISH SOME ONE WOULD CASTRATE HIM, AND THEN BURNED HIM TO DEATH. HE MAKES ME GLAD THERE IS A HELL.

Ok, now I’m going to try and calm down, especially since my little girl has started crying. She was sitting on my lap and maybe she felt my tenseness.

I got my state refund check today and well I think I’m going to need to spend some of it. I think two good books and diner at one of my favorite restaurants is in order.

Peace ya’ll and pray for the little girls every where that no one cares enough to protect.