I know I haven't written in a while. I don't even know if anyone is reading this. But I just wnated to say I think I have been researching others people's pain and misery instead of just dealing with my own. SO I think for the sake of my little girl I need to start doing that. Well, lets see what happens.

I'm confused

Today's thoughts on my motherhood. I've been reading a lot about what people go through and will pay to become parents and a thought keeps creeping into my head. The thought has kind of got me wondering what it means about me. "Children aren't worth what you are putting yourself through, they are just going grow up and be gone by 18" Then I go what. Why am I thinking this? What does this say about my love towards my daughter." Lately I'm becoming apathetic towards being a mother. I just don't feel all that warm and fuzzy over it. My daughter smiles at me and cries for me to hold her and I don't care. I just go oh well and feign that I'm happy for her sake. I used to love taking a bath with her, now I don't know why I keep taking baths with her. I don't care to hold her. I don't know what all this means. I used want to do nothing but cuddle with her. AM I just getting used to motherhood or is there something else going on. I'm sure I love her. I'm sure If i lost her I would be devastated. I'm tired, I'm getting tired of being at home and having no work to keep me going. I used to just want to stay at home with her. Now I want something to do. If my dream job would fall into my lap I would be happy. I'm getting impatient with God and scared on how I'm going to provide for this little being I brought into the world.
I often wonder if I'll change my mind when I decide I want to have another baby. I want to have another pregnancy so I can have a vaginal birth, but I don't think i want another baby. I'm starting to think I'm not meant to have another baby. It's probably not wise anyway. I really should ask my doctor. I wonder if I get hit with the baby bug again, would I think doing all this medical stuff is worth it. I'm probably taking for granted what came too natural for me. I got pregnant the first time I tried. Thus that is how little girl came into the world.

prayer request

if you are the praying type please prayer for a christian mother who is going through a rough time. SHe is five months pregnant and has found out that her baby's intestines are on the outside of his body and is growing into the umbilical cord. The doctor's have told her the child will not live. Her prayer request is that if the child is going to die, that God will take him quickly so she doesn't have to face the issue of an abortion. Please also prayer that God will heal her family's pain and help her to make the right decision.

frozen babies and other random thoughts

So I have moved on from adoption and now I'm researching reproductive technology and surrogacy. Why, I don't know. I just research stuff. But anyway it's got me thinking. Is it ethical to freeze these embryos. See, I believe that life begins as soon as egg meets sperm. When people freeze embryos aren't they freezing little people. That just seems wrong to me. What also seems wrong is that the embryos not used are trashed. I guess we really won't know until we look the maker in the eye, but I can just imagine what he is going to say about this. I guess some ways it's good there is embryo adoption so some of these little people can have a chance, but then again, we shouldn't be creating a product for a demand. What I mean is we shouldn't' make sure that there are embryos for people to adopt. I guess in this country if we can sell it, we will.

Something else that I have been thinking about is that fifty percent of all pregnancies end before the woman knows she is pregnant. I wonder if that means someday in Heaven I'll get to meet all these children that I never knew about. I kind of like the idea even though it's a sad thought.

Next random thought. I live in North Carolina. Yay. Today the law makers are voting on whether or not adoptee's birth certificates should be available to adoptees. I have been praying that God will softened the lawmakers hearts and let them vote yes. But I doubt it. This is North Carolina. Our state plant produces cancer. Not knocking people who make are sell tobacco just stating the facts. North Carolina can get very stuck in tradition. So in my opinion it will take a divine interference for the records to be opened. You know this is really a freedom of the press issue. Ya'll are probably raising your eyebrows. i used to be a reporter. I wasn't good at it, but I was one. Birth certificates are public record. Plain and simple. I can get a copy of anybodies birth certificate. What else is public record. Marriage certificates, death certificates and police reports. Despite popular belief a rape victim's name is public record. If I wanted to I could push the issue and find out the name of someone who has been raped. Luckily, the media as the good sense to not publish a victim's name. Why is all this public record, so that us the people can keep and eye on the government. Therefore, don't you think all adoption records should be public that way we can keep an eye on the people who are making decisions for children. Now, I understand there probably should be some info that should be kept secret. Such as medical info about the child and parent. That information should only be given to the interested party. And I can see how a woman placing a child, wouldn't want her name published and hopefully the media would understand that, but open records is a way to ensure over site of the government and other agencies. Anyway I would be interested to hear what others think.

Got an email from my mother. She will usually just email once every other month. She'll only write about two sentence.s It usually takes me awhile to respond to her. Every time I see an email from her, I get all tense and there is this awful feeling in my stomach. I just wish that she would disappear. I love her. I really do, but she lives in the land of make believe. I guess it's better that way. She doesn't have to face all the pain. I lived in make believe land until I was 19 until a priest basically destroyed my illusion.

Peanut is sleeping right now. Last night, I was lying in bed and for a moment it hit me that in the other room there was this little being that came from my body. And all I could think of was her precious face. However, that was a temporary realization. i wonder when it's really going to hit me that I'm a mother.

I'm glad that I have this desire to research stuff. I've learned so much. I would have never learned what I did about adoption if I hadn't.

eight hours of sleep

I'm so happy and have so much energy. I haven't felt this awake in a while. Why, little peanut slept from 121 a.m. to 8 a.m.. What she slept around hours, which mean mommy got to have a full night of sleep. Heres praying that is will continue. .

I truly believe that there is some hormonal chemical in women that goes off that makes them want to be mothers badly. My went off a year a go. So I got pregnant (planned) when I really wasn’t financially able to. I’m paying for it now because I’m going into debt. Do I care, well I care about the financial aspect, but I won’t go back in time in change. Why, because I absolutely am in love with being a mother. I just got done cuddling with my little girl. That is one amazing feeling. Cuddling with my child so is taking a bath with her. I just love it.

I guess that is why people do things to have children. For example, go through evasive procedures, take horrible drugs to become mothers. It’s that hormone that goes off. My poor sister in laws hormone must have just gone off because she really wants to have a baby now and is going crazy because well hubby isn’t ready (and he really isn’t ready) to have a baby.

Any way that is my two cents for right now.

today's random thoughts

I’m not having a good day today. I just feel sad and can’t wait for the next post partum depression group meeting. I need it. I need more therapy. Right now , I don’t want to be a mother. I love my child Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t want to hold her, love her or relish the fact she’s mine. Yesterday I did, but today I don’t. I’m getting worried, I need stable employment. I need a job. I’m starting to get scared about providing for my child. I’m applying for positions but I’m getting no answers. About two years ago, I was out of work for half a year and I crashed. I crashed hard. I had a mental and spiritual breakdown. I spent four days on the LOOP. AKA, Pitt County Memorial Hospital Mental Ward. I got out went to about two therapy sessions and stopped going. I’m going to try my best not to crash this time. I start to go crazy when I don’t have work or anything to do. Yes, I have a peanut to take care of, but all she does and all she wants to do is eat and sleep on my lap. Sorry, but let’s get real that isn’t much of an intellectual stimulation. And I need that. Thus I need work. The only job I have ever loved was working at the Martin Community College teaching development English students. I just loved it and I was good at. I got my students to achieve beyond what was expected of them. Throughout the semester, they complained, they hated me, they said I couldn’t teach them, but they loved me when they passed the state required test with flying colors, something only one of them was expected to do and I got all but one to pass. Praise the Lord for giving me wisdom to teach them. I would love to go back to that but the state doesn’t put much emphases in teaching the educationally and economically disadvanted, so there doesn’t seem to be a position for me anymore. Most of my students were poor black single mothers, trying to make themselves better. To all of those who think you must give up your child to further your education, I wish you could meet my students. They are living proof you can. They don’t have it easy, but they are doing it. One thing I did to help them was look the other way when they brought children to class. As long as the child didn’t disturb the class I didn’t care. It’s against policy, but what do I tell them go home, and not better yourself.

I probably should have waited to have peanut since I didn’t have a full time job, only parttime. Thus, lost everything when I got pre clamispa and had to leave work. But I got hit with baby lust and had to have a baby, so I did. I got pregnant the first time we tried.

My blogs really have no focus. This is about to get really sad, so if you can’t handle it you might want to stop right now.

I was thinking today about how my mother must live in her own little imaginary everything is perfect world.
When I was a senior in college, my mother asked me why I broke contact with the family. I wouldn’t tell her, but she said your father did not abuse you.

Today, I remember how my father used to get my brother and me to play strip poker with him. She knew about this. What kind of mother allows this? And she wonders why I barley speak to her. Thus, why I don’t want her meeting my little girl. She insists she is married to a wonderful man and that I’m lying. What don’t you remember strip poker mama? I do and I want to know why you never did anything about. I want to know why my elementary school teacher never did anything when my friend told her how my father always talked about her breast. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. I NEVER FREAKING HAD A CHANCE. I’M TRYING TO BE THE GOOD CHRISTINA GIRL. I’M TRYING NOT TO WISH VENGENCE ON THAT MAN, BUT I WISH SOME ONE WOULD CASTRATE HIM, AND THEN BURNED HIM TO DEATH. HE MAKES ME GLAD THERE IS A HELL.

Ok, now I’m going to try and calm down, especially since my little girl has started crying. She was sitting on my lap and maybe she felt my tenseness.

I got my state refund check today and well I think I’m going to need to spend some of it. I think two good books and diner at one of my favorite restaurants is in order.

Peace ya’ll and pray for the little girls every where that no one cares enough to protect.

waiting longer

One thing about parenting a preemie, is you always have to wait longer for those mile stones. For example, my daughter will be eleven weeks tomorrow. Usually around six weeks babies started to smile. I had to wait until she was nine. (rubbing belly gets lots of smiles) Usually around two months they start to roll around. We aren't even close to that. So i guess it will be longer before she crawls. Longer before walks and talks. However, I also got to hold her sooner. Kiss her cheeks sooner. But now I wonder. She is a late term preemie. Born at 34 weeks and five days. Meaning she might have some cognitive learning delays. I hope not. I don't know if I will be able to adequately help her. I pray that I can. I saw a video today that was so sad. I won't go into it, but it made me so glad that I have my daughter. I love her so much. But I might not have. If I had no prenatal care, I more and Likely would have lost her and myself. If the doctors had not been so brilliant I would have definitely lost her.
I guess If I could have one wish, I would wish for scientist to figure out how to make artificial wombs. I know this sounds crazy, but so many babies are born way to early. What if we could just put them somewhere else to fully grow? That way mothers who go into premature labor or have a health concerned, wouldn't risk losing their little ones or even their life. Little baby could just go somewhere else and further growing. Its a wish, maybe a silly wish, but it's a wish important to me because I could have lost so much. Praise God, it didn't happen. Praise God that he was in control of things. Last week it really hit me how in control of things God was, because things could have gone the other way.
IF you have a second check out stories on preclampsia at http://www.preeclampsia.org/ourstories.asp

Who is that

my little peanut