WIC

So I tried to get my daughter on WIC but apparently my family makes three thousand more then the qualifying limit. We are a family of three who made 34,000 last year. You got to be kidding. I know there are families who make less then that, but who can live on that. The majority of our money goes to, you got it, health insurance. My husband only brings in 1200 a month after health insurance gets its cut. That doesn't even include my daughter who have to pay 93 dollars for. SO really its 1100/ DO we eat. Yeap. But we can barely afford food. I had around 7,000 dollars in saving before I had my daughter. Now, I'm down to 600. Sometimes, I wonder where it all went. SOmetimes I scared about the possiblity of another pregnancy. We can't afford one on our own. I know that if it happened, we our family would surround us and the child would be taken care of. Our family has helped us a lot with Michelle.

P.S. I started this blog around 7:15 its after 8 and I'm not posting it

mad at God

I'm struggling here. I'm having a really hard time trying not to get mad at God. But its hard. Ever since I had Michelle we have been struggling financially. We cannot afford to pay the bills, nor eat. I know I'm suppose to trust him. I know he has my best interest in heart, but I'm getting impatient I want the light at the end of the tunnel. I work, but not full time and I get afford the minimum living standard. I did what I was suppose to do. I got educated. I got married. I had a baby. Hey I didn't even have sex until my wedding night. But you know what I can't afford my baby because of all my medical bills. I get so tired of people saying health care shouldn't be free. Well, you know what, the police are free. The public schools are free and a host of other things. I get't so mad when I hear the politicians talk about health insurance. Get rid of health insurance, that's the beast. I guarantee you that is what is driving health costs so high. Oh, by the way, I had health insurance. But pre-clamspia kind of broke me. I get so tired of hearing people, say if you can't afford a child then you shouldn't have one. That only married, upper middle class people deserve children and all us poor people should be the supplier. Well know what I could afford her when I got pregnant with her but things change in a second. So what should I do. HUH, give her away.
You know what people with good health insurance, you just don't understand. I'm at the point where I feel that if you don't want to pay for free health care then I don't want to pay so that the cops can keep a robber away from your nice four story home. Want to talk about socialism there is more socialism in this country then people realize.
I've joined some online groups to talk to moms in unplanned pregnancies to help them anyway I can. I feel God is leading me towards this and the things that people say to them is sickening. So many people joined these groups looking to fulfill their own needs and see nothing wrong with taking advantage of a woman in a financial straight. So how about this. How about helping others instead of taking. I mean really what's more selfish.
ANyway I guess that is my rant for today. It's made me feel so much better. I have another agent looking at my novel. I pray everyday that the agents signs it. That could be my ticket out of this and I can tell you what, if it makes money thatI can live off of it. I have dreams, Dreams I wonder if they are God's dreams. Dreams to help others in need.

Guess what

I’m so sick and tired of people complaining about welfare. I know that most people have absolutely no real idea about welfare and who is on it since the media absolutely misrepresents it. But I’m just sick of hearing it.

SO LISTEN UP WORLD. MOST PEOPLE ON WELFARE ARE NOT TEENAGE BLACK MOMS. IN FACT MOST PEOPLE ON WELFARE ARE NOT EVEN TEENAGERS. JUST KEEP REPEATING THAT TO YOURSELF.

Do some research. Read the mommy myth.

You know I have a master’s degree. My husband has a bachelor’s degree and we can barely afford to eat. We did what we were supposed to do. We got educated. But you know what we are not living the American dream. I can’t find a good paying job and I work. He works. I have to make my daughter’s cloth diapers. I haven’t bought clothes in forever. Almost all her toys were bought by other people and all her clothes come from hand me downs. Neither has my husband. I’m scared of getting pregnant because another baby would absolutely break us. My husband has high cholesterol. I’m going to have to figure how to afford healthy food. We are inches away from welfare. Just inches and were the married white couple that didn’t have sex until we got married.

And you know what most people on welfare don’t live on it forever. They are not breaking the economy. You know what is: Republicans and Democrats. Yeap that’s right politicians and their corporate buddies. Not to be cliché’ But I’m so jaded with politicians. I don’t think a single one running for president is going to do a darn thing to help anyone. Really I don’t. You know why it’s not about us. It’s about them. It’s always about them.

And yes I'm in a mad mood. I'm so sick of struggling.

I have an idea.

I want to get some children's books on where babies come from and about sex and put them on peanut's bookshelf. Now I know she is too young to read, but she can look at the pictures. The idea is to make sex and where babies come from always common knowledge to her, so that there is never this great awakening moment. Make it normal. Of course I want to get books about how different parts of the body work, so that the sex ones don't stand out. Also, want to leave notes in the books, about things about her being in my tummy, insights and notes saying that she can talk to me about this. At the end of the book, I want to leave a message saying, God's plan is for sex to remain in marriage, however, I want to leave a not that says if she ever finds herself in an unplanned pregnancies to come to us and we will help her take care of her child. I want her to know from day one families stay together and that we will help her with her child.

I am the mother

You know I really don't think the people in my husband's family respect my parenting decisions. I really don't. They make fun of the fact that a I refuse to lie to the peanut and tell her Santa is real.

They question what I feed her. I mean really I prepare 99 percent of her meals. I know what she can and can't eat.

They tell me what I can and can't feed her.

One of them even took somethign that I gave her and broke it up even though I know she could eat what I gave her.

I have heard them sigh when I give her stuff. You know what it makes me mad. There seems to be all these eyes watching everything I do. It makes me want to start picking out what I think they do wrong.

One family member question me for wanting to have some time off of my daughter so that I could get some work done.
Really, just because I 'm the mom I have to do everything and my husband doesn't have to anything. YOu know I love them, but sometimes they really make me mad.

I am the mother. GOt that people

Ain't nothing like watching Hotel Rwanda to make you hate your white American Priviledged self. I must have think God a thousand times for letting me be an american.

Who is a mother

Post for today.
On the agent front no news.

On the mommy front, Michelle has learned to clap. It's quite cute to watch.

On the blog front.
Well I've been thinking about something. What makes someone a mother. There seems to be a war with people fighting for the title. On personal note, I have a hard time referring to the woman who birthed me as mother because she never protected me. TO me if you allow your child to be abused, your not a mother. Others will disagree with me. I know, but that is how I feel. I consider my husband's mom, mom. SHe has done a lot to help me be the young woman I am today.
The thing that has been thinking (and I might be wrong) is the Bible never considers a woman the mother of a child if she didn't birth that child.
FOr example,
Hagar not Sarah is Ishmael's mom. Rachel's and Lea's concubines are the mother of the children they bore and pharaohs' daughter was always just pharaohs' daughter, never mose's mother. I know you would say different place, different time, but the concubines were surrogates.
We are also suppose to Honor our parents. But what does that mean. The Bible never says if your parents are abusive you get to find new parents and only honor them.
There is no story that I know of (and I have read the whole Bible) of an abused child getting new parents. So i'm wondering if your parents suck or you just stuck. Whereas you might get new caretakers, but you don't get to claim someone else as mom and dad.

But you know it doesn't say you don't get new parents. So I guess that is a positive. This is hard for me because of the WHOLE honor you mother and father commandment. I DON'T TO HONOR THEM. I WANT TO FORGET THEY EVEN EXIST.

Man I want new parents.

I know there are some people who read this blog that are parents of children they didn't birth, so if you have some insight. Please speak up. I want to hear it BADLY>

P.S. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist.